An Imaginary Conversation My Mother May Have

My mom reads this blog.  I know!  You must be stunned.  I talk with my mom often because she’s a goddamn bit of alright, Internets.  Sometimes I write things that she is proud of and she tells me so. 

“I read your blog today, Heather.  It was really good.  You’re a good writer.”

“Oh mom!  I’m not a writer!  OH!  But if you run into anyone who knew me ‘back in the day’ you should totally work it in to the conversation that your daughter is a writer!  Say it like you’re all proud so they’ll be all impressed, OK?  OK??”

Mom let’s out a little laugh, “OK, Heather.”

Then I think about how it would go if she actually did this.  I imagine it would go something like this:

Mom runs into Lydia, the mother of one of my high school friends (That’s a made up name because, come on, I’m old and there’s no way I could remember any of those old lady’s names)

“Jean!  Wow, it’s been so long!  How are you?  More importantly, how is that beautiful and talented daughter of yours?  I haven’t seen that stunner in forever!  I bet she’s doing amazingly well.  I always knew she was destined for great things.  Soooo, what’s she up to?”

“Well, Lydia, she’s doing great!  She’s happily married to a fabulous man and they live in Seattle.”

“Ohhh!  How wonderful!  What does she do?”

“She’s a writer!”

“Wow!  A writer!  That’s amazing!  Where can I read her?”

This is where my mom thinks about this blog and the writings it holds.

 

 

“Did I say she was a writer?  I meant to say she was incarcerated.  We’re all very proud.”

~

Cheers ~ SF

Oh, Forks

 

On our drive back from Kalaloch, Bruce and I chose to drive around the rest of the O.P. instead of going back the way we came.  This route meant we would drive through Forks.  Yes, that Forks.  Bruce has never seen the Twilight movies, nor will he ever; I’m sure. I’ve only seen them because they were playing on one of the movie channels on our satellite service and there was nothing else less shitty to  watch.  Bruce knows a little about those movies because  oh-my-fucking-shit-how-could-you-not–with-all-of-the-over-the-top-everywhere-you-look-never-ending-hype-that-surrounds-these-fucking-films??? 

I'd like to lie and say I ganked this pic from the interwebs, but I actually took it myself. But I did NOT get out of the truck to do it!

Anywhooo…. as we were approaching this town of delusion and shame , Bruce asked me what the main characters names were.  For some reason, my brain – the one that usually holds fast to 132,000,000 pieces of useless information – could not recall this particular bit of trivia right away.

“Is the vampire guy named Anferny?”, he asks.

*blink blink* 

“No, Bruce, I’m pretty sure it’s not Anferny.” I replied.  “Give me a second and I’ll think of it.”

“What’s the girls name?”

“I think it’s Bella.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I think it should be Stella.  Yeah.  Stella and Anferny.”

“It’s Edward, Bruce.  The vampire’s name is Edward. What about the werewolf guy?  What name are you gonna give him?”

“There’s a werewolf?  What’s his name in the movie?”

*thinking….thinking*

“I think it’s Jacob.  Yes, Jacob.”

“No……no…..it’s…. Loki.  NO!  Caleb!  His name is Caleb the Werewolf.  Anferny, Stella and Caleb.  Yeah.”

It was about this time that we passed a store called “Dazzled by Twilight” and another place advertising “Twilight Tours”.

“Bruce?”

“Yeah?

“Get me out of this fucking town.”

Stop it, Forks. Just Stop it.

 

Cheers and Happy Friday ~ SF

 

Babble Babble Bitch Bitch

Oh, hey Internets ….ummm…. what’s happening?  How ya doin’?  What?  Don’t look at me like that!  I came back didn’t I?  I’m here!  I’m alive! 

OK, OK.  Let me explain, will you? 

Life.  It’s a soul-sucking bastard sometimes, isn’t it?  For the past five months I feel like it’s been one shit-storm after another.  Not just with my personal life, which I have dumped all over this blog, but now with my job as well.  I swear every time I turn around more shit is landing in my lap; more responsibilities, more pressure and of course more stress.  Now, this is not meant to be a ‘I hate my job rant’ – not at all.  Because, for the most part, I really do enjoy and appreciate my job.  But that doesn’t mean that every now and then I don’t start feeling like I just might throat-punch the next poor mother-fucker who crosses my path.  Am I alone on this?

Anyway, that’s where I’ve been lately; busy, sad and stressed.  So, instead of a well thought out, heartfelt post, I’m just going to throw some random bullshit out there from the last few weeks and then go sit in a corner and think of what to do about this poor, neglected piece of the interwebs.  And cry.  Yeah, I’ll probably cry too. 

So, after weeks and weeks of mad scrambling to get through two of our biggest events back-to-fucking-back, I was asked to fly to Philadelphia for some corporate training last week.  Sure, why not?  Holy shitballs, Internets.   It was fucking exhausting!  If you ever find yourself having to fly from the west coast to the east coast and right back again, bring some prison-grade sedatives with you or you will never get any sleep.  Trust me on this. 

I got a new coffee maker.  It’s a Tassimo and I fucking love it so hard, Internets.  It makes the best, creamy, frothy, caffeinated goodness and the coffee disks are delivered magically every month right to my doorstep.  Now it’s just uncomfortable when I get to my office and Keurig sits there looking at me, wondering why I don’t use him anymore.  Because you’re lame Keurig!  I was just using you until something better came along, and guess what?  It did.  Also, K-Cups is a stupid name.  It sounds like some irregular bra size.

The Giants won the Super Bowl!  Yayah!!  It’s not so much that I’m a crazy-cakes  Giants fan but when the team that is your true love [Denver Broncos] and the team that you are geographically obligated to be a fan of [Seattle Seahawks]  aren’t in the game, you have to pick someone, right?  Besides, my family is from New York and my Auntie loves her Giants and knowing their win makes her happy makes me happy.

My birthday is coming up!!!!  But you knew that didn’t you?  The first time you found my blog you saw it on my banner and you made a birthday advent calendar to mark the days until ‘Heather turns 37 but still acts like she’s 12 day’ didn’t you?  That’s why I love you, Internets.  You’re thoughtful like that.

I got a new camera and I’m loving it.  It’s a Nikon Coolpix L120.  It came with a lens cap and a neck strap so you know it’s fancy.  But not so fancy that it confuses the shit out of me if you know what I mean.  So maybe you’ll start seeing more pictures here on SFT!  I mean pictures I took myself, not ones I ripped off from the interwebs. 

Bruce and I bought the camera on our way out-of-town Friday for a little beach getaway.  Not for those kinds of weekend getaway photos you pervs!   We went to Kalaloch Lodge up on the coast because it’s one of the properties that the company I work for manages so I got a smokin’ deal on a cabin.  Yay corporate discounts! 

So, my friends, I’ll leave you with a few pics from the amazingly beautiful Pacific Coast.  Enjoy!

                         (click photos to biggen and make more awesome)

 

The Bruce. He walks on water. Or on sand at low tide. Either way...

Look how thoughtfully I gaze at the ocean.

The Murphy Dog checking out a washed up buoy.

Seriously....am I not the next Ansel Adams?

That white shit is sea foam, not snow. In case you were wondering. Because you know my ass wouldn't be on a beach with snow, right?

There's a driftwood issue here. I hope these aren't radioactive asshole trees from Japan.

Crashing wave pictures on rocks require patience. Or you just click click click click until you get one. Guess which method I used.

The Murphy Dog has big fucking feet, yo.

Coolest. Footbridge. Ever.

Seriously. The drift wood.

 

Cheers ~ SF