Monthly Archives: July 2011

This Post Will Be One HUGE Run On Sentence Because I’m Overworked, Pissed Off, Stressed The Fuck Out And Just A General Ball Of Tangled Nerves That Seems To Have One Shitty Thing After Another Thrown At Me Lately

Internets….get ready for the craziest, foul-mouthed rant you’ve ever read on this blog.  I think.  At the end of it, just remember how much I heart you.  For reals.

The Microsoft Tech Ready event is at my work a-fucking-gain and people that I work with are abusive dickheads that have no respect for the people they work with and I’m just about to the point where I’m actually going to tell the next person, be it a perfectly lovely and courteous one, or the biggest cunty faced whore, (my new favorite term) to fuck right hell off down the goddamn road and I really don’t even care if I get fired because I hate that soul sucking bastard of a job lately because I’m pretty sure “management” has pissed off my favorite person, who happens to be my supervisor, so badly that she is going to quit and leave me even more fucked than I already am so I’m all pissed off and ready to cry even though I am NOT A FUCKING CRYER so I decided to watch some Deadliest Catch to unwind with a cocktail and it just had to be the episode where they spread Captain Phil’s ashes and all the boats were so close together that it was just too much for my fragile (did I just refer to something about me being fragile???) psyche to handle and I thought I may just crumble and start actually fucking crying and my beautiful Murphy dog came up and stuck his nose through my arm that was supporting my head to give me some comfort that only a dog can do and I actually shoved him away and now I feel even worse because as a non-judgemental, all loving being that just wanted to comfort me I made him feel like he did something wrong.

Fuck me. 


Fuck Authority.

If you have ever just been fed the fuck up with shit….listen to this and read the lyrics.  It may mean different things to different people, but right now…..this is how I feel.



This Title Has Been Moved To The Post Body Due To It’s Incredible Offensiveness

The original title read:

Blogger Is A Cunty Faced Whore.  There.  I Said It.

I changed it because I realized that I am lucky enough to actually be on some of your blog rolls and perhaps you don’t want words like “cunty faced whore” on your sites.  I’m thoughtful like that.

I haven’t been commenting on many blogs lately and I want to show you why.  Yes, show you.  This post will consist mostly of poorly edited screen shots because if I allow myself to add too much text it will most likely end up being more angry words like that title up there.

Here we are at my Google homepage.  Excellent.  All signed in and ready to blog my little heart out and read/comment on all of my favorite blogs!  Yay!!


Ok.  All seems well on the SFT dashboard.  Let’s head on over to my homepage and check out the new shit on my awesome blog roll!!


Wait a tic.  It seems as though I’m not signed in now.  Naaaaaa….. I just came from my dashboard and I was totally signed in.  No matter.  Let’s go read Kage’s new post at Sex Sequins + Sociopaths.  There’s always something spectacular over there and I can leave one of my brilliant comments for her!!


NOOOOO!!!!  I refuse to leave comments as anonymous all over the place having to explain WHY I’m commenting as such.  This is some bullshit.


What the shit????  Oh, now I’m fucking logged in?  I give up.  This makes no fucking sense.



Post Script – After spending hours and hours creating this post (shut up) I realized I can comment with name and URL….which I guess is what I’ll be doing from here on out because this shit has made me seven levels of crazy since it began it’s “let’s fuck with Sugar Free” campaign a few weeks ago.

If I Didn’t Do This You Would All Think I was Dead. Or Lazy.

I don’t like to re-post unless I have one that was so fucking awesome and epic that I really need people to see it again, OR when I’ve been mentally beaten to within an inch of my already sketchy sanity by my job. Guess which one is the reason for this re-post?

Originally posted on 2.24.11

About a week ago, the lovely Kage over at one of my absolute favorite blogs, Sex, Sequins + Sociopaths, slapped me with an award.  I won’t tell you where she slapped me with it, but it was hot. 

She was all hopped up on something from the dentist because I’m not sure what the rules are.  There are always rules with these awards.  What?  No rules?  Ok.  You will get no argument from me.  I guess I’ll just slap seven other bloggers with it.  Or not.  I think everyone that I would give this to has already had it at least once, if not more than that.  So, all of those blogs over there on the left, they are all a bit of alright.  Check them out. 

What’s next…….

I also got tagged by the extraordinary Vinny over at As Vinny C’s It for a game of Twenty Questions Minus One.  What the…?  That’s just 19 questions.  Why are we calling it something more complicated than necessary?  Let me start again. 

I got tagged by the extraordinary Vinny over at As Vinny C’s It for a game of Nineteen Questions!  How exciting.  Let’s get this bitch started!

  1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family? – Family.  But cooler than children because I can go away for a weekend and just leave the toilet seat open and know that they are ok.
  1. If you can have a dream come true, what would it be? – That one where Johnny Depp comes to have dinner at my house and saves that kid from choking  by giving him the Heimlich maneuver then carries me off to bed to ravage me.  Wait…. maybe that was a music video and not a dream.  Or maybe it’s both.

I know.  It’s country.  It’s from like a hundred years ago.  But it’s Johnny Depp and it’s fucking funny.  Don’t judge me.  Besides, the video wasn’t in the original post so that makes this a “new” post right? 

  1. What is the one thing most hated by you? – Bitches who fuck with my family.
  1. What would you do with a billion dollars? – Anything that I wanted and it wouldn’t even matter if it was on the very fringes of being legal because, hey, I’ve got a billion dollars.
  1. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood? – Cocktails and porno movies.  Just kidding!  Cocktails and my husband dancing like a monkey.  It’s a sight to behold.
  1. Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone? – This is a tricky question.   It depends on the person you are trying to love.  Some people make it difficult to love them.  Ever had an addict in your family?  And some people you just don’t want them loving you; like your Sneaky Uncle.
  1. What is your bedtime routine? – Brush teeth.  Wash face.  Gather up the kitties.  Get under covers.  Make tent-blanket with knees bent.  Force kitties into tent.  Read.  Sleep.
  1. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your partner? – You can read all about that here.
  1. If you could watch a creative person in the act of the creative process, who would it be? – Bob Ross.  Shit.  I guess we’ve all seen that.
  1. What kinds of books do you read? – Right now I’m on an Anne Rule true crime extravaganza of the Kindle kind.
  1. How would you see yourself in ten years time? – Older.
  1. What’s your fear? – Living long enough to have to wear adult diapers.
  1. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to visit outer space? – Fuck. No.  I think we’re wasting our time and money with this space exploration bullshit.  Humans are clearly not meant to be in outer space.  Have you seen that pee suction thing they have to use up there so that they aren’t floating around in a piss storm?  Gross. 
  1. Would you rather be single and rich or married, but poor? – Don’t try to trick me in to sounding shallow.  I’d divorce my husband tomorrow for that billion dollars we talked about earlier.  Wait, I meant to say, how poor are we talking?  Like cardboard box in an alley poor, or no Belvedere vodka poor? 
  1. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up? – Smack a cat.  For reals.  That bitch is usually the reason I’m awake before I have to be because she’s pawing at the window shades next to my bed looking for Squirrels.  It’s winter, Fatty!  They’re fucking hibernating!  **SMACK**
  1. If you could change one thing about your spouse/partner what would it be? – If I could change anything?  He would not be a Radiohead fan.  Ish.
  1. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be? – Jezebel Van Buren.  No hesitation.
  1. Would you forgive and forget no matter how horrible a thing that special someone has done? – That’s too vague.  Knock up a hooker?  Give me some time, I’ll get over it.  Put the easy-squeeze ketchup back in the fridge upside down?  Get the fuck out.  Now.
  1. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be? – Well whatever I choose I’m fucked because I’m clearly not going to be getting balanced nutrition.  So let’s pretend that what I pick has all the vitamins and minerals and healthy goodness and…..oh who am I kidding?  It’s macaroni and cheese.  Ok? 
Now I have to tag 4 other people for this.  Hmmmmm……
Rafa at The Rude Blog
Peter at Triton Cove
Dawn at Lighten Up
Man!  This post has taken a lot of time!  Copying and pasting and inserting links, whew!  Good thing I’m at work.

Bitch, Where You Been?

I would love to say that something awesome and outlandish has kept me from posting my rambling ass shit here. 

Something like…….. I found Jesus and have been devoting my time to a strategic door knocking campaign to let people know that “Jesus has some great news for you!”.  But that nonsense would never fly because I think we all know how I feel about that shit.

Maybe I won the lottery and I’ve been jetting around the world spending my millions!!  No, that’s nowhere near believable because Washington state taxes would have ass raped my new found funds six ways from Sunday and most likely, I would be owing them money.

Or maybe, just maybe, my favorite blogger buddies Kage of Sex, Sequins + Sociopaths, Rafa of the Rudeblog and Hed at Hed Above Water came and kidnapped me and we’ve been partying like mother fucking rockstars for the past few weeks!  Man, that shit would be epic.  Epic, I say.

Alas, none of those scenarios is the reason for my being a slack-ass absentee blogger.  The real reason is  just so much more boring and lame.

It’s my job.  It has been sucking every ounce of life, excitement and energy out of me lately.  So much so, that by the time I’ve risen at 6am, (sometimes 5am) readied myself for work, had my ass bussed 30 minutes downtown, worked an 8-10 hour work day, schlep my tired, overworked, underpaid, unappreciated ass to the bus stop for a smelly, baby crying, possible junky passing out near me ride home to catch my breath, feed and walk animals, plan and prepare dinner all the while expertly pouring a much needed adult beverage in there somewhere.  Not to mention the fact that thinking up the worlds longest run on sentence is an energy drain all its own.



I’ll be back on track soon, Internets.  I fucking swear.