Monthly Archives: August 2012

Access Denied.

Yesterday I arrived at my office and did the normal shit that I do to start my day.  One of those things is to get my headphones out and get some music going so I can block out all of the  ridiculous noise that happens outside of my office.  Noise like forklifts and food service because those two things totally go together.  Not only am I a music lover, I also like to stay on the cutting edge of technology and I recently discovered this new thing called Pandora Radio.  You should totally check it out, Internets.  It’s pretty awesome.  You heard it here first!

Wait.  What?  Pandora launched in 2000???  And it had 100 million users in 2011?

Fuck.

Anywhoooo, I launched my browser yesterday, clicked on favorites and lovingly hit up Pandora and waited for the magic to fill my ears.  But a new screen popped up.  An evil screen, you guys.  A screen that said The Company had blocked the site.

What.  The.  FUCK?????

I had to process The Company payroll and if those fuckers want to get paid they shouldn’t deny me my Zen that is my goddamn music!  Fucking jerks.  I even upgraded to the commercial free version of Pandora (it’s really not a new thing?)  because I got sick of Panera Bread getting so excited about their stupid fucking breakfast sandwiches while I was trying to make sure 365 employee’s union medical insurance was getting paid correctly.

As I tried to find alternate music sites to get me by I realized I work for Communist China because every fucking music site under the sun has been blocked.

So, this post is my way of saying I will miss the bands that helped me get through the stress of my job through the magic that is Pandora.  I’ll miss my Rob Zombie station the most.

(Seriously?  2000???)

 

I love me some Rob Zombie. He reminds me of my dad. Well, now this is just awkward. *

Thank you:

Disturbed

Pennywise

Lacuna Coil

Rob Zombie

Dope

Skillet

Marilyn Manson

Orgy

Deftones

Filter

Pantera

Red

AFI

Seether

Breaking Benjamin

Social Distortion

Bad Religion

Nine Inch Nails

Nipsey Russell

Oh my shit!  I was totally kidding with that last one!  Nipsey Russel???  As if!   But that’s  just fun to say.  Heh, Nipsey Russell…

 

Oh Nipsey!

Cheers ~ SF

* my dad is super awesome and totally NOT demon-like.  Rob Zombie without his super-awesome-creepy makeup looks a bit like my dad which is totally a compliment in my book.

 

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Is It Really Cheating When It’s So Awesome and Crazy?

We all see crazy shit from time to time don’t we, Internets?  Some of us see it more often than others and we certainly see it in different degrees.

I’m sharing some photos here that I posted on my photo blog during my 31 Days of July photo challenge thinger.  In hind-sight I should have shared something else that day and saved these photos for this site.  Oh hind-sight! You are a fucker aren’t you?

So for the 2 people that follow this shit-show and my photo blog, feel free to call me out on my cheating ways for using the same material on two sites. But I really had no choice.  I simply could not deny my 26 readers these amazingly disturbing and hilarious photos.  Photos I totally took.  Of a crazy guy.  A crazy guy feeding ice cream to a child mannequin.  A child mannequin in formal wear with a, “No! No!  Please!  No photographs!” outstretched hand.

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I put captions on the original post but I thought it would be ridiculous to do it again.  Internets, YOU should totally put some captions with these photos!  And share this crazy won’t you?  Because for once it’s not MY crazy!

Cheers ~ SF


Happy Birthday Mommy! You’re Old!

Dear Mom,

Holy crap!  You’re old!  Wait.  Did I say old?  I should have said awesome. Where are my manners?  Let’s start over, shall we?

TAKE TWO

Dear Mommy,

What were you thinking when you went for a third child???  You know that’s how you ended up with me, right?

How in the hell did I just make a birthday greeting to my mother all about me???  

TAKE THREE

Dearest Mother,

I’m still pissed off that you didn’t give birth to me on St. Patrick’s Day in 1975.  I don’t believe your cockamamie [holy shit! cockamamie didn’t get auto corrected so it’s totally a word] story about the doctor saying he wasn’t in that day or whatever it is that you told me.

Oh. My. Head.  I just made the intended birthday greeting to my mom about MY birth.  I am such an asshole.

TAKE FOUR

Hey Mom!

It’s your birthday!  Congratulations!  You’re not even using a walker OR using hearing aids yet!  You go, girl!

I should just stop now.

TAKE FIVE

Hi Mom!

It’s your special day!  Celebrate yourself and the fact that you have lived to be 70!  Get crazy on some grey-covering hair color, bingo and yard sales!!! This day is all about you, pretty lady!

Holy shit I am bad at math.  My mom is totally not 70 today.  I think she’s like  43.  That can’t be right.  Maybe she’s 50?   32???

TAKE SIX 

Oh…hey mom…

Did you read all that crazy up there?  No?  Of course not.  You have old eyes.

WTF??????

TAKE SEVEN

Dear Alcoholics Anonymous,

Wine may be interfering with my ability to wish my super awesome mom a simple happy birthday.  She’s pretty goddamn amazing even though she may have spanked me and my brother for burning a hole  in the mattress with a hair-dryer when we were kids.  In my defense, Butch said the wires from the dryer would go in to the blankets and we would have a heating blanket.  The white plastic spoon with the wee melted spot on it from being left too close to a burner that mom used to spank us with hurt like a mother fucker but we totally deserved it.  Well, Butch did because it was his idea.

I am also going to take this opportunity to forgive her for my slightly scorched ankle from the hot transmission in her Jeep when she lost her mind and drove me and my two brothers to Disneyland in that not-fit-for-long-distance-travel death machine.  I forgive her because SHE TOOK US TO DISNEYLAND GODDAMMIT!!!  And she stole acquired some towels from the La Quinta Inn that night and wet them down so whomever was sitting in the front passenger seat could wrap the wet towel around their ankle and walk away with only second degree burns and not first.  Or is it third?  I’m not sure how degrees of burns work.  Either way she was such a thinker that day which is probably why I love and admire her so much.

Oh!  And that time she took us Jeeping [I haven’t used that word in forever and it looks weird] at night in the adobes and in to a river where the Jeep got stuck and water started flowing through the passenger seats and I had to be tossed by some guy from the hood of the Jeep to someone on shore?  Totally forgiven!  [But totally NOT forgotten]

I should also mention how she would let me and my bro’s drive her red Subaru Station Wagon around the parking lot at our condo waaaaay before we even had driving permits.  She didn’t even supervise us!  Only a responsible parent does that because she knows she raised her children right and the best way to learn something is to just do it, right?  Or she had some amazing insurance and was hoping we’d wreck the damn thing and she could take a settlement and upgrade to a Gremlin.  I don’t know how old people think.

Holy shit.  I have lost total control of this post.  What the fuck was I trying to say?

OH YEAH!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!!  I LOVE YOU!!!

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Thanks for making sure my shoes matched. And for not letting that horse give me a concussion which resulted in me losing consciousness in a random field when I fell off and hit my head on the only rock in a 100 yard radius. Just kidding! I know it wasn’t THAT horse that did that.

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Cheers ~ Heather Jean