An Imaginary Conversation My Mother May Have

My mom reads this blog.  I know!  You must be stunned.  I talk with my mom often because she’s a goddamn bit of alright, Internets.  Sometimes I write things that she is proud of and she tells me so. 

“I read your blog today, Heather.  It was really good.  You’re a good writer.”

“Oh mom!  I’m not a writer!  OH!  But if you run into anyone who knew me ‘back in the day’ you should totally work it in to the conversation that your daughter is a writer!  Say it like you’re all proud so they’ll be all impressed, OK?  OK??”

Mom let’s out a little laugh, “OK, Heather.”

Then I think about how it would go if she actually did this.  I imagine it would go something like this:

Mom runs into Lydia, the mother of one of my high school friends (That’s a made up name because, come on, I’m old and there’s no way I could remember any of those old lady’s names)

“Jean!  Wow, it’s been so long!  How are you?  More importantly, how is that beautiful and talented daughter of yours?  I haven’t seen that stunner in forever!  I bet she’s doing amazingly well.  I always knew she was destined for great things.  Soooo, what’s she up to?”

“Well, Lydia, she’s doing great!  She’s happily married to a fabulous man and they live in Seattle.”

“Ohhh!  How wonderful!  What does she do?”

“She’s a writer!”

“Wow!  A writer!  That’s amazing!  Where can I read her?”

This is where my mom thinks about this blog and the writings it holds.



“Did I say she was a writer?  I meant to say she was incarcerated.  We’re all very proud.”


Cheers ~ SF


About Noodles and Gin

I'm like a superhero, but with no powers or motivation. View all posts by Noodles and Gin

18 responses to “An Imaginary Conversation My Mother May Have

  • Katy Anders

    Could be worse.

    You could have written the Twilight series.

    How embarrassing would THAT be for her?

  • Mynx

    I love that after all those examples, you mum still reads your blog. My mum doesn’t even know about mine, thank goodness

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      My mom is awesome. She doesn’t drink or swear or anything but I think she has just accepted the fact that her daughter has a mouth like a sailor on shore leave.

  • Hed

    Oh, how I wish I could write “cunt-faced whore” on some of my blogs, but my mom is not wangworthy like yours and would freak the shit out since she reads my blog!


  • MonsteRawr

    Well the least she could do is make up an interesting story about how you got arrested. I’m thinking selling black market kidneys to school children.

  • Heather aka Sugar Free

    Ohhh! I’ll tell her that! Or maybe she’ll peek her head in here and see your fabulous suggestion!

  • AccordingtoJewels

    lmao. My mother has never read my writing and I think it’s because she isn’t one for the written word. She’ll read a smutty book here and there but I don’t know that I could show my writing to her and survive her being neutral about it. Does that make sense?

    LOL I love the “I meant she’s incarcerated” 🙂 You are too much, chicka.

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      Makes total sense! I told my mom about my blog when I first started it when I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing. In hind-sight, I would not have done that and saved her the embarrassment.

  • Nicki

    “Goddamn bit of alright” is my new favorite phrase that I wish I could pull off on public.

  • Bouncin Barb

    My mom doesn’t have a computer so she can’t read mine. Probably a good thing. Otherwise she’d be leaving comments on how I was such a “hussy” and a “trollup” when I was younger and have a mouth like a truck driver!! See, we have lots in common!! haha. Hugs.

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      OMFG I want your mom to get a computer so I can read her comments about you being a trollup!!! I mean….well, that would be rude of her……

  • On My Soapbox

    See, now that is why I have two blogs: one my mother can read, and one that is completely anonymous. If I didn’t have an anonymous blog, how could I complain about my mother? 😉

  • abeerfortheshower

    You know my father-in-law, the guy that looks like Kim Jong Il, that I depict in comics as being Kim Jong Il? Well he recently found out about our blog, and he read every last post, including that one. I was horrified.

    His reaction: “Wow, I’m famous on the Internet! That is so cool!”

    Uh, what…?

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      Holy shiballs!!! I’ve read that comic and laughed so hard! How awesome that he saw fame and funny and NOT insult-y-ness. (oooh a new made up word!) I can totally understand your being horrified at first. Who the fuck wouldn’t be???

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