Monthly Archives: September 2011

This Is How Awesome I Am. Again. Still?

My cat had surgery on Saturday, Internets.  It will make for an an amazing post one day, but for now, I’m just too fucking tired to write it.  So, here’s a repost.  This was originally posted back in May when cunty faced blogger had that huge blackout so no one really saw this the first time around anyway. 

 

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Originally posted May 11 2011

Kerrrr – ist. I am really behind on some important business, Internets. I’ve been given an ass load of awards in the past week or two and have yet to accept even one of them. I know. I’m such a bastard, right? Well, let’s take care of this shiz right here and now, shall we?

 

The first award I was given kind of threw me off a bit. It was given to me by Oilfield Trash at Make Daddy a Sammich.  Unlike what I am going to be able to do, he did a fabulous post to go along with the award.  Here’s the award:

 

 

I know, right?  Anyway, I’m supposed to tell a funny story about, well, farting.  But I can’t.  I thought and I thought about this and I just could not think of one.  Really.  And it’s not that I don’t fart, it’s just that I absolutely cannot recall even one instance where it happened and it was hilarious.  I can say this, though; every single time I have ever been flat on my back, feet in the stirrups with my ass skooched all the way to the end of that exam table at the gynecologist’s office, I have crossed my fingers and prayed to the universe that it will not happen while that poor doctor is down there diggin’ around in my shaz.  I’ve been lucky so far.

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The next award was given to me by Vinny at As Vinny C’s It.  I have mad blog love for Vinny.  He has stick figure comic things from time to time and they crack me up.  He writes great stuff over at Sprocket Ink as well.  You should check it out.  So, to get this award from him really made my day.  Thanks Vinny.  I’m happy to make you laugh, buddy.

 

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The next one was from sweet Pencilgirl at Conquering the World, whose blog I need to catch up on because it seems she moved and I didn’t know, so her fabulousness was not showing up in my reader.  That, or I’m just super dense.  Probably the latter.  I have received this one before, but who gives a shit, right?  I’ll take awards of any kind all day long, Internets.  Thank you Pencil, my darling!  You are awesome.

 

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Now, this next one?  This one is going to be fun.  You know why?  Because it makes me a mutha-fuckin’ Overlord, bitches!!!  Oh yeah!  This sweet-ass sweetness comes to me from my somewhat new bloggy friend id at Sometimes I Like Taffy. 

 

 
 
Now I put the smack down on everyone with some new laws that I would have if I was, in fact, your Supreme Leader….I mean……Overlord.  So, here they are: 

ONE – Severe and immediate beatings for door-knocking bible thumpers.  Seriously, you assholes need to knock that shit off.  It’s annoying and intrusive on so many levels.  If  I wanted to “find god”, there is an over abundance of churches in the land for me to do just that.  I don’t care, nor do I make it my business, when it comes to someone else’s religious beliefs or lack thereof.  So, I would appreciate it if you dickheads would do the same.  I really don’t need you interrupting my peaceful existence to hear you say, “I’ve got some really good news to share with you about our lord and savior.”  I mean, I don’t go knocking on your door with cocaine, strippers and drunk midgets asking YOU to join MY party, do I?  So get lost.  Really.

TWO – The “space program” is hereby cancelled.  What the fuck are you trying to accomplish in outer space?  Just stop it, NASA.  Your funds have been rerouted to something, I don’t know……useful to the living beings on THIS fucking planet.  Yeah, I’m taking your zomillion dollars and using it to pay any doctors that are willing, whatever salary they so desire to dedicate their time to finding a cure for cancer.  And cold sores.  Because the former is really fucking important and the latter is just plain annoying.  I will, however, set aside funds for you to travel into space if the Direct TV satellite needs work.  Because I need my Skin-o-max and Animal Planet.  If you want to go collecting moon rocks or some useless shit like that, you can’t have any of my Cure Cancer money.  You have to pay for your own fuel.  Have a bake sale. 

THREE –  Marijuana……is now legal under my rule.  I don’t even smoke pot, but come on, it’s 2011.  How is this shit not legalized yet? 

Whew!  It’s a good thing these awards didn’t come with any rules, because I am exhausted.  What?  I swear.  They didn’t have rules.  Really.  Would I lie?

Cheers! ~ SF


Seroisly Birllinat Sihznit

Since moving my blog to WordPress I have not found one piece of spam on any of my posts.  I thought this was odd.  Until today.  I went to my dashboard because I was going to repost something from awhile ago write an amazing new post  and I noticed this:

“Akismet has protected your site from 168 spam comments already. There are 39 comments in your spam queue right now.”

What’s that you say, WP?  Thirty-nine comments in my spam queue?  How have I been missing out on these spam gems this whole time??  (I remember my first spam so fondly.)  So I clicked on over to my spam queue to see what illiterate nonsense attempted to make its way on to my platinum-mutha-fuckin’ blog.  I thought I would share a few of them with you.  Enjoy.

~ Didn’t know the forum rules allowed such birllinat posts.Yes.  Yes it does allow them.

~ I was seroisuly at DefCon 5 until I saw this post. -Holy fuck!!  DefCon 5?? Don’t leave me hanging!! Were you at DefCon 4 or DefCon 6 AFTER reading this post????  I need answers, fucker!!

~ Holy sihznit, this is so cool thank you.No.  Thank you.

~ Waklnig in the presence of giants here. Cool thinking all around! –  Waklnig [wah-kuhl-nig] just sounds racist to me. 

~ The geuins store called, they’re running out of you.  –  I want that word to be GENIUS so badly, but I’m afraid it might be GUINEAS. Or PENGUINS.

~ Thank God! Someone with brains spakes!  – Oh, I spake alright.  I spake you so good…

~ I’m out of laegue here. Too much brain power on display!I know.

~ Whoa, whoa, get out the way with that good ifnromation.Whoa, whoa!  I’m never going to be able to run spell check on this post!!

So, Internets, turn off those spam filters and let the glorious thing that is spam come in, violate your blog and stroke your ego with those heartfelt compliments.  Or, make sure you have a really fucking great spam filter.  Either way….

Cheers! ~ SF

 


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I have no clue what to write about today so I’m just going to spew a bunch of random bullshit at you.  Also, I’m writing this at work (of course) and we have this goddamn wage and hour audit today so I’m gonna have to do some actual fucking work.

Bruce and I have a roommate now.  He moved in with us about a month ago.  He’s a friend of my husband’s from his days back in Madison, WI and he’s a pretty cool fuckin’ guy.  He cooks AND makes me cocktails.  I haven’t inquired about pedicures yet.  His name is Super Glue, or Glue for short.  I figured I should mention it so if I refer to him in future posts you’ll know who the fuck I’m talking about.

My coworker is back (finally!) from her three fucking week vacation that fucked my world and had me going to bed at 7:30pm like I’m 90 so I could rise at 3:30am to haul my Irish ass downtown to work a 12 goddamn hour day.  Now that she’s back in the office I find myself deliberately not doing things so that she has to get up and do it.  I’ll probably continue to do this for the next three weeks.  It’s really freed me up for more blog reading and writing and Twitter time.  And no, I don’t feel guilty about it.

Murphy had a yeast infection in his ear. That was fun.

My boss gave me two tickets to the Mariners game this Sunday.  I can’t say I’m a huge baseball fan or anything, but I have yet to go to any sporting event since moving to Seattle a little over a year ago and I feel it’s my duty to go.  Plus, I love $9 beers so it’s a win, right?

We all know how I misread things from time to time, right? #wangworthy.  Well, one time I was driving through SLC and saw this huge billboard that I thought said something about being aware of things around you when you’re driving. “Look out for Pediatricians”  I was like, what the fuck?  Are a lot of children’s doctors getting run over in this city?  I looked at it again and of course it said Pedestrians not Pediatricians.  *sigh*

After my last post where I displayed my awesome artistic abilities, I thought I should post a picture of Murphy so that you don’t think I have some freaky mutant beast living in my home.

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Bruce & Murph at Roche Harbor on San Juan Island

 

Murph in the truck after a day at the beach at La Push

And now for the last bit of business….

 Click here to find out who the winner of the #wangworthy mug is!

Congratulations winner!  Email me your address or the address of a friend if you don’t want me knowing where you live and I’ll mail it out next week.

Have a good weekend, Internets.

Cheers ~ SF


Artiste

Don’t you just love blogs that have wicked-awesome, well drawn cartoons?  Like this one

I was fucking around at work the other day (as usual) and came across some of my own sweet artwork that I had done once upon a time.  I had forgotten about it for so long and it gave me quite a chuckle to see it again.  I thought I would  share this little gem with you, Internets, because I love you fuckers. 

See, at my last job, which was with the same company I am with now, just in a shittier location [Utah. Need I say more?] for a reason I cannot recall, I drew a picture of my Murphy dog in MS Paint for a coworker who shall remain nameless and emailed it to him.

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My coworker countered with this:

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You win, nameless coworker.  You win.

Cheers ~ SF


A Wangworthy Giveaway

Hey, remember that one time, when I was illiterate and misread an address label and came up with an awesome new word and you fell so in love with that word that you worked it in to conversations, blogged about it and hashtagged it nonstop on Twitter for like three goddamn weeks?  

Remember?

http://sugar-free-thoughts.com/2011/08/25/ive-been-published/

Well, I had a coffee mug made with that sweetness on it.  Don’t ask me how much I paid for it either, because it was a ridiculous amount for a fucking coffee mug.

Anyway, I was totally going to keep it for myself, but then I thought I would try not being a selfish bastard and give that awesome mug away to one of you. 

That’s right; a giveaway.  And don’t fret, Internets, there aren’t 32,000 rules for you to enter this thing either.  Just leave a comment telling me that you want it.  That’s it.  I don’t have the time or energy to be tracking and tallying new subscribers to this blog or followers on Twitter and I don’t use the Facebook because that shit is the devil so, yeah.  Just leave a comment and I’ll draw a name from a cocktail glass or something.  Then you can sip your morning beverage; whether it be coffee, tea or a Manhattan, with a Wangworthy mug everyday.

Now let’s admire my awesome photography skills with some pictures I took at my desk 5 minutes ago because I don’t do anything work related when I’m at the office earning a paycheck.

If you’re a chick, you could take a sharpie and add in “I’M” in front of wangworthy.  Or, if you’re a guy you could add “YOU’RE” and hand it to your wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/random-from-previous-night-at-the-bar. 

I’ll draw the winner on September 16th.  Good luck!

Cheers! – SF