Category Archives: Random Shit

Sunday Night Bitch Session! Yeah!

It’s Sunday night.  Let’s have a bitch session shall we?

The topic will be pedestrians and cyclists in Seattle and the death wish they all seem to have.  Or maybe they’re all blind.  I don’t know.  I didn’t bother to check the stats.  What I do know is that I spend more of my vehicular traveling time in the Emerald City trying to not mow down one of these entitled fuckers than I do texting and driving.  I’m just kidding.  I don’t text and drive because that shit is for assholes.

Seriously though, what the fuck is going through the minds of some of these pedal pushers and heel-toe expressers?  STOP STEPPING AND STEERING YOUR ASSES IN TO ONCOMING TRAFFIC GODDAMMIT!!!

Thanks for this, Mayor McShwinn.  Because every cyclist in Seattle uses it properly and in NO WAY blows through red lights while in it.

Thanks for this, Mayor McShwinn. Because every cyclist in Seattle uses it properly and in NO WAY blows through red lights while in it.

I’m all for people who choose to walk or bike to get around the city.  You know, getting healthy, concern for the environment or a recent DUI. Whatever the reason may be for not wanting to be dry and comfortable while moving about this rain-soaked region, I’m behind it!  I support it!  But for fuck’s sake why can’t they look up from their goddamn phones for 5 fucking seconds when entering a city roadway???  It’s like they are either arrogant enough to think they have the right-of-way ALWAYS, or they believe more in their rights as pedestrians/cyclists than they do in the fucking laws of physics.

Heh.  This is funny because it's accurate.

Heh. This is funny because it’s accurate.

I get it.  We all have to learn to coexist and all that shit but there needs to be some reciprocation on their parts.  What are they doing to help coexist with my 6000* pound, gas guzzling, leather heated seat, luxury SUV???  Because I have totally been doing my part by becoming incredibly aware of the location of my fucking break pedal for them.

What about you, dear reader?  Is this a problem where you live?  Are you a driver?  A cyclist?  A pedestrian?  All of the above?

Cheers ~ SF

* I don’t know how much my vehicle weighs.  I could have googled it but I already googled images for this post soooo…..

** I shouldn’t be bragging about having leather heated seats because those things seem like they’re just good for causing yeast infections.

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Giving 100%

My job still sucks and though in my last post I made definitive plans to resign after the holidays, I have waffled back and forth from that, to just not showing up again FUCKING EVER to walking in (yesterday) and giving my notice.  Guess who showed up at work today having NOT given her notice?

Yeah.

The crushing guilt of not having an immediate job to go to; leaving Bruce to be the sole income bringer-inner and the fact that I know my leaving will totally-fucking-hose some of the people I work with that I consider to be my friends has made me begrudgingly show up and suffer  through the shit-show.

Fuck.

We had a manager’s meeting the other day.  I was less than enthusiastic about it because A) I had to listen to shit that had nothing what-so-ever to do with ME and B) because I was already about four fucking hours behind schedule processing payroll for OMFG SO MANY PEOPLE due to a sudden and horrible HR investigation that had to be done by yours truly.

I drew a picture during said meeting while NOT listening to people yammer on about… you know what?  Who fucking cares?

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That’s right. It’s a shitty drawing of my cat in her litter box because that’s how I feel about my job and this stupid fucking meeting. Above that is where I was so enthralled with the meeting I drew an outline of my cell phone.

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Cheers ~ SF


Access Denied.

Yesterday I arrived at my office and did the normal shit that I do to start my day.  One of those things is to get my headphones out and get some music going so I can block out all of the  ridiculous noise that happens outside of my office.  Noise like forklifts and food service because those two things totally go together.  Not only am I a music lover, I also like to stay on the cutting edge of technology and I recently discovered this new thing called Pandora Radio.  You should totally check it out, Internets.  It’s pretty awesome.  You heard it here first!

Wait.  What?  Pandora launched in 2000???  And it had 100 million users in 2011?

Fuck.

Anywhoooo, I launched my browser yesterday, clicked on favorites and lovingly hit up Pandora and waited for the magic to fill my ears.  But a new screen popped up.  An evil screen, you guys.  A screen that said The Company had blocked the site.

What.  The.  FUCK?????

I had to process The Company payroll and if those fuckers want to get paid they shouldn’t deny me my Zen that is my goddamn music!  Fucking jerks.  I even upgraded to the commercial free version of Pandora (it’s really not a new thing?)  because I got sick of Panera Bread getting so excited about their stupid fucking breakfast sandwiches while I was trying to make sure 365 employee’s union medical insurance was getting paid correctly.

As I tried to find alternate music sites to get me by I realized I work for Communist China because every fucking music site under the sun has been blocked.

So, this post is my way of saying I will miss the bands that helped me get through the stress of my job through the magic that is Pandora.  I’ll miss my Rob Zombie station the most.

(Seriously?  2000???)

 

I love me some Rob Zombie. He reminds me of my dad. Well, now this is just awkward. *

Thank you:

Disturbed

Pennywise

Lacuna Coil

Rob Zombie

Dope

Skillet

Marilyn Manson

Orgy

Deftones

Filter

Pantera

Red

AFI

Seether

Breaking Benjamin

Social Distortion

Bad Religion

Nine Inch Nails

Nipsey Russell

Oh my shit!  I was totally kidding with that last one!  Nipsey Russel???  As if!   But that’s  just fun to say.  Heh, Nipsey Russell…

 

Oh Nipsey!

Cheers ~ SF

* my dad is super awesome and totally NOT demon-like.  Rob Zombie without his super-awesome-creepy makeup looks a bit like my dad which is totally a compliment in my book.

 


Is It Really Cheating When It’s So Awesome and Crazy?

We all see crazy shit from time to time don’t we, Internets?  Some of us see it more often than others and we certainly see it in different degrees.

I’m sharing some photos here that I posted on my photo blog during my 31 Days of July photo challenge thinger.  In hind-sight I should have shared something else that day and saved these photos for this site.  Oh hind-sight! You are a fucker aren’t you?

So for the 2 people that follow this shit-show and my photo blog, feel free to call me out on my cheating ways for using the same material on two sites. But I really had no choice.  I simply could not deny my 26 readers these amazingly disturbing and hilarious photos.  Photos I totally took.  Of a crazy guy.  A crazy guy feeding ice cream to a child mannequin.  A child mannequin in formal wear with a, “No! No!  Please!  No photographs!” outstretched hand.

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I put captions on the original post but I thought it would be ridiculous to do it again.  Internets, YOU should totally put some captions with these photos!  And share this crazy won’t you?  Because for once it’s not MY crazy!

Cheers ~ SF


This Place Looks Like Shit. Who’s In Charge Around Here?

Oh hello, Internets.  Internets???  Hello?

Fuck.  I’m talking to myself now aren’t I?  I’m not surprised.  I’ve really let this place go.  I wouldn’t want to come here either.

Well I’m here now.  And I feel like just by doing this; you know, showing up, I could maybe get inspired to produce some poorly written, profanity laden bullshit once again.  And maybe I’ll make people laugh again.  HA!  I’m such a dreamer.

You see, when I last posted I told you about my promotion that was totally getting in the way of me wasting time at work.  Well, I wasn’t kidding and neither were the demanding hours and tear-inducing stressors that came along with the extra $0.0003 an hour.   Yay for climbing the corporate ladder!

Anywhooo… I lost my inspiration for this blog but found myself having fun with my photo blog.  But that’s not all…

I knew what I wanted to write about for my next post here (when was the last time I posted here?  May 17thish?) Fuck.  Now I just look lazy.  But wait!  I can explain!

I wanted to post about when I got my titties on Tommy Lee’s Titty-Tron at a Motley Crue concert last Thursday a few years ago.  And I had some fabulous photos to accompany said post.  So, I delayed the writing until I had time to find the photos.

Time passed.

Then I got the boxes of photos out of the basement.

Time passed.

Then I found time to look through the photos but got distracted by pictures of my dad’s striped pants that he wore at my parent’s wedding reception.

Time passed.

Then I found a picture for my post!  But it was just one and I knew I had more and I needed more for my post!

Time passed.

Then I received notice that my domain name was due to expire if I didn’t renew it and I had a come to Jesus boxed wine moment.

Do I really want to let this thing die?  Do I?

The answer is no.

So I’ll find those pictures for the post about my titties or I won’t.

Either way I’ll be making more of an effort to do what I love with this site which is to assault your delicate senses, Internets.  HA!  Delicate!!!  AS IF!!!

Now here’s a picture of me sitting at my computer paying pills while wearing my mom’s wedding veil to show you how serious I am.

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Cheers ~ SF


The Time I Bought Heroin Candles. Or Maybe They Were Meth Candles. I Don’t Know Because They Weren’t Labeled

A tea-lite candle. Innocent as can be with that clear PLASTIC holder.

A few months ago I was shopping for some household necessities at the K-Mart.  Don’t judge me for that.  I live in the fucking city and all the classy stores like Wal-Mart are in the ‘burbs and nowhere NEAR a liquor store.  So I shop at the K-Mart that is a ten-minute drive from my house and it’s right next to the PetSmart and since I own an Irish Wolfhound that consumes 700 pounds of food each week, it works for me.  I just realized why Twitter keeps suggesting @KmartFashion for me to follow.

What the fuck was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  Heroin candles.  So I’m buying my bathroom cleaner and ant traps and I pass the candle aisle and goddammit if their isn’t a shit-ton of scented goodness on clearance. So I rifle through  the discounted items and pick out one of those thingers that you put a candle in the bottom and some scented wax cubes on top and the flame heats the wax and…you know what I’m talking about right?  OK.  So I buy the candle wax heater thing and I’m on my way.  But when I get home I realize that I bought the scented cubes but I’ve failed to buy the wee candles that you put in the bottom to heat the wax above.  Since I’ve already been to so many stores and the last one was a liquor store there was no way I was going back for some fucking tea-lites for something that was just bought to hide the stench in my house that is caused by our pets, the rotting zucchini in the crisper drawer and the dirty laundry that I keep putting off washing.  Wait, what? I mean I bought that stuff to create a pleasant and relaxing mood in my home.

See? One of these. Except I would never buy that color of wax because it looks like it smells terrible.

A few days later I was in the little convenience store (or convience store if you go by their sign) right by my house that is located “conviently” on my walk home from the bus.  This place sells your average things like beer, wine, cigarettes and your run of the mill snack shit. They also sell things like Michael Jackson posters, socks, male enhancement drugs and a wide variety of glass “tobacco smoking devices” if you catch my drift and I know you do, Internets.

This particular day I was just in to buy a pack of smokes because we were full up on Horny Goat Weed and ExtenZ  but then I noticed a plastic container on the counter full of tea-lite candles.  How fortunate for me!  No need to make a second trip to the K-Mart that would most certainly fuck with my cocktail hour.

Excitedly, I said to Ben-whose-name-is-most-definately-not-Ben, “Oh!  I need these candles!  How much are they?”

He replied that they were like 5 cents a piece or something.  It was probably more like 4 for a dollar but I really didn’t care.  They didn’t look of the highest quality with their thin metal holders but they were candles that I needed and these didn’t require a second trip to the land of glamour that is K-Mart.

I get home, promptly kick off my heels, shed my work attire and don my cozy pants and a sweatshirt.  The candles are dug out of my purse and one is put in to the candle wax heater.   I fix a drink and get right to settling in for an alone night with some scenty goodness, several cocktails and the TV remote all to my goddamn self because Bruce is at band practice. And if Bruce is at band practice on a Monday night you know my ass is watching some Intervention on the A&E.  (seriously though, how is that show still tricking people?)

And that’s when I realized that I didn’t buy innocent tea-lites for my innocent wax melter.

See??? Except when you live on the streets you don’t always have fancy things like spoons so, as it was shown on TV, you just take the candle out and use the METAL holder to cook your dreams away.

I felt a little weird going back in to that shop for a while.

Cheers ~ SF


Bear With Me or OMFG-Don’t-Give-Up-On-Me!!!!

So my writing space is all set up and now it has a new computer.  A very different computer, Internets.  I got a Mac.  And it hates me.  Even though I love it.  It’s just soooo fucking different, you guys.  I managed to muddle my way through posting some new photos on Worth 100 that are 11 million Megabytes (whatever those are)  because I don’t know how to resize photos on this crazy awesome machine yet.  But as far as my plans to revamp this corner of the Interwebs, I’m gonna need some more time.  And vodka.  And Lithium.  I also, as Laura would say, got neck rabies.  Or spider bites.  One or the other.

Hobo Spiders. What do they want with me???

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But it does have a fun photo booth feature that I discovered because I like to get after the serious workings of a computer straight away.

ALIEN ME!!!

So, does anyone have any Mac tips they can send me?  Like why “copy/paste” is such a fucking ordeal on this thing?  Or you can send vodka and Excedrin in lieu of Mac tips.  Whichever.

Cheers ~ SF