Monthly Archives: March 2011

Fembot-Terminator-Bionic Woman Has A Nemisis

If you read my last post, you know about my jaw probs.  I spent most of  today at the dentist for a cracked tooth and other various shitiness.  Dentists want you to, ya know, OPEN YOUR MOUTH SUPER FUCKING WIDE.   I am not happy, (despite the Xanax) I am in pain and have had so much goddamn novacaine injected in me that my fucking titties are numb.  Nine shots??  Really???

All I have for you is this.  The guy who gets in the car with her and plays guitar to her left is my buddy Ricky.  His wife, my other super awesome and only chic friend plays with them when they come to town.  It’s sultry and it makes me happy-calm.  Enjoy


I’m Surprised This Post Even Got Done Because Blogger Was Sucking My Will To Live And People At Work Seem To Think I Shoud Be Doing Work Related Activities So They Kept Interupting Me

Finally!  My coworker has left and I have the office to myself.  Now I can crank up the music and get to reading blogs and writing this post.  I mean, I am on the clock you know.

The lovely Dawn over at Lighten Up gave me an award.  Her blog is without the profanity that mine is saturated with, but her shit still cracks me the hell up.  Her post titled Naked People Dancing had me cursing myself for not having a spare pair of nickers in my desk drawer.  When Dawn tells a story, you feel like you are right there with her.  She is also a master of the tiny text which on her blog it should be called the smartassery text.  Please, do yourself a favor and go check her out!

When I saw the word “versatile” my brain thought “flexible” instead.  I was wondering how in the world Dawn knows how bendy I am and do I need to get thicker curtains on my bedroom windows.  But then my brain realized it’s error and reminded me what a tard I am.

We all know how these blog awards go, right?  Da rules:

– Thank the person who gave it to you
  (this does not apply when referring to crotch critters and skanker sores) 
– Share 7 things about yourself
– Pass it along to whatever amount of bloggers you feel like passing it on to
  (ok, there was a specific amount, but I do whatever the hells I want
    around here….got it?)  

 
Ok…..seven things…..hmmmmm……

I cannot move my forehead.  Yup.  My surprised face is identical to
my mad face and my sad face. Which is why I have to pepper my
conversations with so much colorful language so you’ll know how I’m
really feeling behind my expressionless face.  But, guess what?  I’ll
never ever have wrinkles on my forehead!  Yay for nerve damage!
 
Neither one of my ears has a tragus.  What’s a tragus, you ask?  It’s that
handy part of your ears that holds your earbuds in so you don’t have to
wear the big ol’ cans to listen to your iPod.   Mine have been sliced with
a scalpel so many time that they said “Fuck you, ears!  We’re leaving
and we’re not coming back!”



cool people



Me.

My right eye does not close all the way.  Most people don’t even notice it,
like in my normal blinking,so it’s no biggie.  The upside is that if someone
tries to rape and murder me in my sleep, I’ll see that mother fucker
coming before he has a chance to get his willy out.

My chin is plastic.  I have nothing funny or interesting to say about that. 
It’s kind of boring, really.

Both of my jaw joints and part of my skull on both sides are metal; cobalt
chrome to be exact. It makes the most wicked awesome sound when I tap
upward on my chin.  The metal part of my jaw hits the metal plates bolted
to my head and it sounds like those swinging ball aparatus thingers.
I’m a hoot at parties!



It kinda looks like this in there



I have all of these things because of a car accident and the surgeries that followed….for like years.  Stupid drunk driving bitches.  Fucked up my 
Mustang, too.  Whore.  So don’t drink and drive, ok Internets?

I was more upset over the damage to my car than anything else.

There you have it.  Seven things about me that didn’t know 2 minutes ago.

Now I shall pass this beauty on.

Sunny at Idyll Toast
Kat at Tapetum Lucidum
Peter at Triton Cove
Hed at Hed Above Water
Kage at Sex Sequins + Sociopaths

So go check out all of the blogs I linked here.  I mean it.  Do it.

Oops!  I almost forgot the first rule of getting this award……THANKS DAWN!!!

 


I’m Getting Married! Wait…..I Thought I Already Was.

I am married.  My husband and I celebrated our six year anniversary in January.  We married under the Common Law Marriage statute in Colorado in 2005.  It was perfect.  Kitchen table, pajamas, a few signatures on some insurance forms and bam, married.  No overpriced wedding gown, no expensive florist, no inconveniencing other people with a lengthy ceremony.  Simple.  Us.  

We moved to Utah for work 2 years later.  Another state, as backwards and fucked up as it is, that recognized our marriage.  My company insurance had no problem with it either.  They covered Bruce as my spouse for almost 3 years.  I still work for that company.  I work for them in the great state of Washington now.  Yay trees!  Yay marriage!  Yay health insurance!

And then……

I received a notice from my company that I would be getting a packet in the mail soon that I should….hold on….where is it?  Ah, here it is.  I shall quote this notice.  I want you to take in all of it’s fucked-up-ed-ness.

Huge Corporation You Work For is working with ACS HR Solutions to conduct a health benefits Dependent Eligibility Audit.  A packet with information about the audit will be mailed to your home from ACS within the next two weeks.  You must complete the form(s) in the packet and submit the documents requested on the form(s) to prove your dependent’s eligibility for HCYWF health coverage.  Response Deadline: May 23, 2011.”

Da fuck??  <——compliments of Kage

He’s not my boyfriend.  He’s not my roommate.  He’s my fucking husband.  (Yes, we’ve consummated our union)  Now I have to justify the way we chose to marry because we live in a different state???  Documents?  What documents do they want?  Whatever it is they want, I’m sure I do not possess.  Now what?

Do I run out and marry my husband in a way that Washington state is happy with?  Or is it HCYWF that suddenly has a problem with my marriage where there was none before?  Even if I do marry Bruce in a way that seems fit to them  am I going to be in some sort of insurance fraud shitstorm simply because we moved and benefits were provided to him during our common law marriage in common law states?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Well, I suppose all I can do is wait for their packet of judgement and see what it is they want.  But I’m telling you, Internets, this is some bullshit.  Or a good excuse for an impromptu wedding and an awesome party.  I guess I do know the perfect roadside chapel for the ceremony.  And I could totally invite like, six people.

I’ll let you know how it all shakes out.  Stay tuned. 


I Can Get All Of That In One Place?

Happy St. Patrick’s Day Internets!! 

I’ll be in my cups for the next few days since I am Irish and tomorrow is my birthday.  So go get me my pony.

The quality sucks, but I had to scan it and crop it and the stupid scanner only scans in black and white and…oh shut up.  Just enjoy what I have to share with you.

My favorite picture from when I lived in Ireland.



Don’t You Just Love One Stop Shopping?


Footwear?  Check.

Sports?  Check.

Funeral Undertakers?  Che….wait.  What?


Sometimes The Beatings Just Aren’t Severe Enough

Holy shitballs, internets.  I cannot believe what I witnessed yesterday.  Let me tell you all about it.

For those of you that don’t already know this about me, I ride public transportation to and from work.  I do this for a couple of reasons but the most important one is that I am afraid of parking garages and I work downtown.  Get my drift?

Yesterday, I was on the bus a bit later than my normal time because I had my hair cut after work.  Usually I’m on the bus shortly after 5:00pm and it’s always hella crowded and noisy at that time, as you can imagine.   I almost always wear my headphones and bury my face in my Kindle in an effort to drown out the sounds and actions of the bus freaks.  Nose pickers and conversations about gyno exams?  No thank you.

I hopped on the bus at about 6:15pm and took a seat close to the front on one of the benches.  It was unusually quiet so I decided I wouldn’t put my headphones on.  A few stops down the line the door opens and I hear a woman’s voice say to the bus driver, “I don’t have any money and I just got my ass whooped.  Can I get on?”

My head snapped up immediately; my interest piqued.  I thought I was going to see some battered and bloodied street urchin step on board and I did not want to miss getting a glimpse of this gem before she scurried down the aisle to the back of the bus. 

Up the steps she came, crossed the yellow line next to the bus driver and just stopped.  Hmmmm,  she doesn’t look too bad.  Well, maybe she didn’t get hit in the face.  Actually, her eye looks a bit swollen.  And why the hell is she just standing there.  Take a seat, woman.  Fucking junkies and street urchins.  Why do we let them on the bus?  Remember this story?

The bus starts moving again and this lovely black man (who reminded me of Danny Glover) sitting across from me on the other bench looks up at the girl, makes eye contact with Urchin and extends his arm, gesturing towards an open seat and politely says, “You can sit there.”  And here’s how the rest of it went down:

Urchin – “Don’t tell me what to do.”

Danny Glover – “I was just offering you a seat.”

Urchin – “You fucking sit there!”

Danny Glover – “Look, I’m a man trying to be nice and offer you a seat.”

This is where shit got un-fucking-real…..

Urchin – “You’re not a man you’re a fuckin’ nigger.”

What.the.fuck.

I am not even kidding you , internets.  I couldn’t believe it myself.  There was a  collective gasp from the rest of the passengers and then the screaming started.  My mind went back to some recent news footage of a pregnant girl getting beaten on a Seattle metro bus and a little bit of panic started to set in.

The yelling stopped, the urchin sat down and I figured at the next stop the driver would make her get off the bus.

Nope.  Apparently this particular driver thinks nothing of the kind of disgusting hate and racism just displayed a mere 2 goddamn feet from him.  Nope, didn’t seem to bother him one bit.  I was fucking appalled.  I still don’t know who to be more disgusted with; the bitch who spat that vile filth out of her mouth or the driver that tolerated it on his bus.

So there you have it, internets.  Shit like this still happens in our society today.  Unbelievable, right?

SF


Looks Like I May Be Getting Some Unwanted Nipples and/or Appendages. Thanks, Earth.

I was cleaning up after dinner, feeding the dog and finishing up the laundry.  Just doing my normal, boring ass shit on a Sunday night.  Then, my brother sent me a text message.  That message freaked my blissfully ignorant mind right the fuck out.

Nuclear something something .  Jet stream.  West coast of the U.S.

I have been horribly saddened and concerned beyond words about the recent events in Japan.  It just never occurred to me to think about this shit.

Now?  Now it’s all I can think about.  Fuck! 

Fuck.

Someone please tell me that I am freaking out for no reason.  Please.  Please?

If you need me I will be sitting on my sofa with toothpicks holding my eyes open clicking frantically between news channels. 

SF.


Gruppensexfilme

Oh, internets.  It is a proud day for the Sugar Free.  I got spammed. *tear*  I know, I know.  It’s like I lost my virginity or something.  I feel, now,  that I have truly arrived in the blog world.  This is a calendar marking day for me.  Read it.  Take it all in.  It is a glorious thing, indeed.  *sigh*  I felt compelled to share it with you because I’m a good friend like that.  Enjoy.  And you’re welcome.

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