Monthly Archives: March 2013

It’s Recipe Time Motherfuckers!

A while back I wrote a post about a recipe. It was pretty popular. I guess. Heh, I just went back to that post so I could link it and I wrote that one during my birthday season.  It’s my birthday season NOW you guys!!! READ MY BANNER!!!

Ahem.  Anyway, after I wrote that recipe a friend of mine (yes, I have friends!) kept bugging me to write a book. So I am. It’s a slow process writing this goddamn book. So be patient. Look for it sometime in the year 2060.

Recently I posted a picture on The Facebook of a delicious dinner that I had started in my slow cooker. Crock pot to you lay people. The photo got “likes” and “yummms” and then one jerkface had to ask me for the recipe because apparently he likes to create work for me.

I have known Josh since I was about seven-ish. He was one of my brother’s friends when we were growing up out in the toolies of Western Colorado and to this day I still think of that fucker as a brother too. So this little gem of a recipe will go in my book, but because Josh is an impatient fucker I’m posting it here now. You’re welcome, Josh.



(or Mouth Fiesta)

  • Pork Roast of some kind (I really don’t think it matters. I actually added two boneless pork ribs to this because I fucking love it had a few extra people joining us)
  • Onion – I don’t care what kind
  • Jalapeño(s)
  • Bunch O’ Fresh Cilantro
  • Tbsp of Garlic Paste (make your own if you’re a sucker or just buy the lazy man’s shit in the tube)
  • Tbsp of Ground Cumin
  • Tbsp of Oregano Leaves (the dried kind is fine here because we’re gonna rehydrate the fuck out of it anyway)
  • Coarse Salt
  • Ground Black Pepper (If you’re not using a pepper mill we are no longer friends. You’re an adult.  Grind your shit fresh)
  • Some Olive Oil.  Like a shot glass or two amount?  Shut up.  It’s how I measure things. Unless its liquor.  Who measures that shit?
  • One Large Orange

-Make your husband leave the kitchen because he’s a raw meat germaphobe.
-Slice one half of onion like you’re making onion coasters. Dice the hell out of the other half.
-In a small dish combine garlic, cumin, oregano, salt, pepper and olive oil
-Mix that shit up really good and give your pork roast the massage of its afterlife. Happy ending not necessary. Really.
-Take the onion coasters and make a nice bed on the bottom of your slow cooker
-Place your freshly massaged roast on it. Whisper to it that everything is going to be fine…juuuust fine
-Dice the jalapeño – if you like spicy, leave the seeds and white rib in. If you’re a pansy, take it out.
-Consider calling 911 when you forgot you just handled a hot-as-fuck pepper and rubbed your eye
-Abandon 911 call because you don’t like being laughed at by emergency services…for the 8th time
-Make ANOTHER mental note to wear latex gloves when handling peppers
-Toss diced onion and jalapeño on and around the unsuspecting roast
-Rough chop the cilantro and toss that in there too. Don’t get crazy with too much. It can be overpowering n’ shit
-Cut the orange in half, squeeze its sweet goodness all over the roast then toss the whole (halved?) thing in
-Put the lid on the slow cooker set to low.


Slow Cooker Fabulousness

You now have about an hour to find yourself some prison grade sedatives to put your ass to sleep for the next 8 hours because that shit is going to make you crazy as fuck with how good it smells.

Or go outside and do something constructive for the day. Whatever.

When you come to or come home, lift the roast out of the slow cooker and into your mouth on to a large cutting board.
Shred the fuck out of it. Two forks or a big ass knife work best if you don’t want to burn the bejesus out of your digits.
Remove the orange and any other large debris from the slow cooker (cilantro stems, onion coasters, etc)
Add shredded pork back to the heavenly drippings in the slow cooker. If you didn’t lose total control and drink it that is…
Turn slow cooker to high and cook pork in drippings for as long as you can stand it. About 30 minutes to an hour should do it.
Heat a few tablespoons of oil in a large skillet on medium/high heat on the stove top.
Add pork to skillet evenly and press down with spatula.
Cook it for a few minutes so that it browns on one side. Or pour some boxed wine, go smoke a cigarette and forget that you were cooking and burn it slightly.
Remove from heat.

Now I’m not going to tell you what to do with your precious after this.  But I like to warm some white corn tortillas in the oven (or you can fry them if you’re a health nut) then add some pork and top it with some Cotija cheese, sliced avocado, Crema Mexicana Agria, a squeeze of a lime wedge and some fresh pico de gallo that you made one of your guests prepare because you just spent all fucking day making the important part.


Carnita Goodness


Cheers ~ SF