Fucking jobs. They suck. And there inevitably comes a time when you just can’t deal with going in to work. For whatever reason, that torturous, soul sucking monster has you fed the fuck up. You need a day off. But, you hadn’t planned on it and therefor, did not put in a time off request. There’s only one way to deal with this. You’ll have to call in sick. Fuck. Yeah.
This seems like it would be a simple enough task. It’s not. You gotta have a plan. I’m here to help.
First of all, when you decide to call in sick, whether it be the night before (I strongly suggest this option) or when your head pops off the pillow that morning, you have to commit to that shit. Don’t be him-hawing around with the idea. You’ll sound all nervous when you make the call. You need to be confident in your delivery about the ailment that is preventing you from getting your ass in to the office to be a super, happy, motivated team player.
If you can help it, try to pick a day when you really won’t be missed all that much. For instance, a day when there is less work to do and more than enough staff. Your superiors are less likely to give you any shit about calling off if they really don’t need your help all that badly on that particular day. Of course if you’re feeling a bit untouchable, or if you just hate the dill-holes that you work with, pick a super busy day when they may be shorthanded already and totally fuck their world. The choice is yours.
Next, you need to decide on an illness so great that you are unable to perform even the simplest of tasks if they were to insist that you come in because you are so absolutely needed on that day. It will have to be an ailment that has a speedy recovery time so no one starts a fucking inquisition as to why you were too sick to come in yesterday but seem just fine today. Let’s go over some options, shall we?
Migraine – This one can be convenient to use the morning of the call off, as migraines can come on quickly with little or no notice. Hence the little or no notice of calling in an hour before you are due to show up at work. But it can be a bit tricky as well. Have you laid the ground work for this one? I mean, have you made it a point to talk to your co-workers about how awful your migraines are? If not, they may question you when you return. What kind of medicine do you treat your migraines with? What are your triggers? You’ll need to be quick with your answers, so if you do not in fact suffer from these bastards, you’ll need to do some research, and let’s face it, nobody wants to deal with that shit on your awesome paid day off of work.
Cough/Cold – Unless you want to be a goddamn award winning actor for an entire week following the call off, don’t bother with this one. Sure, you leave your boss saying, “Damn, Jezebel sure sounded like shit. I’m sure glad her sick ass is staying away from here today.” But, in order to not look like a lying piece of shit upon your return, you have to play that shit out for the rest of the week. Too much trouble and leaves too many opportunities for you to get busted laughing and carrying on a normal voiced conversation on your cell phone in the 5th floor restroom because you thought you were alone and didn’t realize that the catty whore from the sixth floor sales office had walked in 3 minutes ago. Trust me on this one.
Sick Child – If you have children, I imagine this would be the gold standard for calling off of work. However, I don’t have children but plan on making some up for my next job so that I can use this excuse. But, since I do not have any real or fake children now, and my coworkers and superiors know this, I’m just gonna continue to hate people who get to use this excuse because I’m a spiteful bitch like that.
Stomach Problems – This one is money. It can come on suddenly giving you that “it must have been something I ate” or “must have just been a 24 hour bug” excuse that is so perfectly fit for the call off. Also, no way is anyone going to ask for any details regarding which end of your body the offending stomach is choosing to cast out it’s contents from. Unless they’re a fuckin’ sicko. In that case offer to send them a picture of the last thing that was deposited in your toilet. If they accept that offer, then you need to end the call with your resignation because that demented mother fucker needs help and it’s not the kind that you can give when you clock in at work everyday.
Now, crawl back in bed for a few more hours and dream of how you are going to spend your company funded day off. I like to dream of cocktail time starting at 2:00pm instead of 6:30pm, because I won’t be riding the shame-train out of the city during happy hour on this day, my friends.
So there you have it, Internets. I hope that this will help you out in your next bout of laziness and/or I-don’t-give-a-fuckery in regards to your job.