Tag Archives: finding the happy

The Quitter

Fuck, Internets.  What can I say about my lack of doing anything with this blog anymore?  Oh, I know!  How about the fact that my job is sucking my will to live and I have no desire or energy to do any of the things that I like to do anymore?  I mean lately.  Whatever.  Things that I may not necessarily be good at, but goddamit, things I like.

Writing?  Sure I use horrible language and my punctuation and sentence structure are questionable at best but I like doing it ‘n’ shit.

Reading blogs I have come to know and love?  Forget it.  I manage to read a few but then just put my Sponge Bob jam-jams on and curl up on the sofa and hope sleep comes soon.  It never does.

Taking pictures and learning new ways to process them?  LOVE it!!!  But I don’t do much of that anymore either.

Sitting on the basement steps listening to my husband’s band create musical awesomeness?  I now find myself letting them do their thing while I sit in the living room and I just crank up the volume on Intervention or Hoarders so I can TRY to see that my life isn’t so bad.

Cooking?  I love shopping for ingredients, trying new recipes and cooking for my husband.  Bruce is now about 100 pounds and looks as if he may have Rickets or some shit because there is only a rotted onion, four ketchup packets and a bag of limes in the fridge.  The limes are for my vodka so I’m doing fine. (HA!)  Poor husband.

*le sigh*

I can’t go on like this anymore.  I can’t keep letting the shitty shit-ness of my work life suck the happy out of my home life anymore.  It’s not healthy and it’s not good.  I did not arrive at this decision easily, but I am going to resign from my job after the holidays.

Why after the holidays?  Because I have some sweet-ass paid time off coming up and a company funded “meeting” at a winery next month.  Whaaat?  I meant to say that I’m a really great employee and I don’t want to leave them high and dry for the events coming up in the next two months.  Shut up.

As I write this I am huddled in my chair at my computer desk with my headphones on, holding my head from time to time, listening to the heaviest of music at the highest volume, ignoring my husband and our guests because I just can’t be social right now.  Writing didn’t used to be this difficult.

*le sigh sigh*

For the next two days I will process and transmit payroll for about 350 people while dealing with all of the HR issues and other random shit that pepper me all the live-long-fucking-day.  Ugh.  Shoot me now.

It wouldn’t be so bad if people weren’t such assholes.  The photos below will give you an idea of what I deal with and how I would LOVE to respond to the shit-show that is my job.

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A polite request. This should do the trick.

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They’re still knocking? Fine. I’ll drop the please. Surely they’ll see that I’m serious.

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Well now you assholes don’t get a “Thank You” in fancy font.

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…and so it goes

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Irritated. Not unstable. Yet…

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Apparently everyone I work with is illiterate.

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Where’s my taser???

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Where is my escape hatch????????

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WHYYYYYYY?????????

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I really really do.

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This one makes me smile because…soon…

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Cheers ~ SF


Shock, Loss & Sorrow Part 3: Finding the Happy Again. Photo Edition

When you experience a great loss that changes your world drastically, it is easy to slip into a sadness that affects your everyday life.  That sadness can quickly turn in to a sorrow that grips you fiercely.   It’s an awful way to feel.  I know because I’ve been there before and I nearly let it consume me. :link:

I find myself not only feeling as though I shouldn’t smile or laugh at things, but feeling outright guilt for wanting to.  I’m afraid to make eye contact with people for fear that the sadness in my eyes will infect them, thus creating more sadness.   Music has different meaning now.  Songs that once brought a smile to my heart are now promptly skipped on my iPod.  I try to read and I find that I have to keep going back because my brain cannot focus and retain the words.   This isn’t healthy and I need to change it.  I need to find the happy again.

It was a tragic and bizarre set of events that led my life to be where and what it was for the past 30+ days.  The tragic loss of  Shaun brought me to Colorado.  It also brought my father there from Arizona and my cousin, Noreen, there from Tennessee.  We were all there, together with our family, because of Shaun.  

The timing of my father’s illness was both a blessing and a curse.  The blessing part is because he was where he was when it happened: in civilization.  If he had been home when it struck him, who knows what would have happened to him.  (Seriously, that fucker lives in the middle of nowhere; like 40 miles from the Mexican border.)  The curse part is, well, the fact that he was sick in the first place of course.  His surgery and extended hospital stay of 21 days are what kept me in Colorado for so long; with my family.

Here’s where I find the happy… 

Did I want to be in Colorado because Shaun died?  No.  Did I want my father to be sick?  No.  Did I want to be away from my husband  for four weeks?  No.  Was I surrounded by the love and support of the most awesome group of Irish bastards that are my family?  Yes, yes I was. 

Those four weeks were some of the worst of our lives.  But you know what?  We had each other.  All of us.  We weren’t afraid to cry in front of each other, hug each other, break down in front of each other, laugh (yes, laugh) with each other or even indulge in too many high-balls together, (ok, maybe that was just me) Just being around each other made the whole fucked up situation a little more bearable because not one of us was alone.  And that, Internets, is how we find the silver lining.  We have to be able to do that in situations like this or we’ll end up bat-shit-crazy and lost in the throes of depression.  And no one is much good to anyone else if they let that happen. 

I’m still devastated by the loss that my family has endured.  I’m still sad.  I’m still angry.  I still cry.  But that’s not all I do.  I think about all that time I spent in Colorado with my amazing family and I do, in fact, smile.  Because in a world where we’re all working and paying bills and dealing with life’s day-to-day struggles, when would I ever be able to spend that much time with the people who I love that live so far away? 

Even though it was a horrible event that landed me where I was for so long, there was good there as well.  There was love and there was togetherness.  At the end of all of this, my father moved in with my amazing Uncle Pete and Aunt Arlene instead of going back to the middle-of-fucking-nowhere.   He’s with a brother who needs him more than ever, as my Aunt and Uncle were the people who raised Shaun from the time he was just a few years old, losing him was doubly painful for them.  He was their grandson as well as their “son”.  Yes, my father is right where he should be and that makes a lot of people happy.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to bring the funny back to this blog  (Shut up.  I’m fucking funny.)  but I’ll get there.  In the mean time, I’ll share some of the happy from my last day in Colorado when my fam decided to get together for a day of food and football and I decided that it was my Going Away Party because I’m a narcissistic asshole like that.

Slainte ~ SF

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               Irish Celebration

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