My cat had surgery on Saturday, Internets. It will make for an an amazing post one day, but for now, I’m just too fucking tired to write it. So, here’s a repost. This was originally posted back in May when cunty faced blogger had that huge blackout so no one really saw this the first time around anyway.
Originally posted May 11 2011
Kerrrr – ist. I am really behind on some important business, Internets. I’ve been given an ass load of awards in the past week or two and have yet to accept even one of them. I know. I’m such a bastard, right? Well, let’s take care of this shiz right here and now, shall we?
The first award I was given kind of threw me off a bit. It was given to me by Oilfield Trash at Make Daddy a Sammich. Unlike what I am going to be able to do, he did a fabulous post to go along with the award. Here’s the award:
I know, right? Anyway, I’m supposed to tell a funny story about, well, farting. But I can’t. I thought and I thought about this and I just could not think of one. Really. And it’s not that I don’t fart, it’s just that I absolutely cannot recall even one instance where it happened and it was hilarious. I can say this, though; every single time I have ever been flat on my back, feet in the stirrups with my ass skooched all the way to the end of that exam table at the gynecologist’s office, I have crossed my fingers and prayed to the universe that it will not happen while that poor doctor is down there diggin’ around in my shaz. I’ve been lucky so far.
The next award was given to me by Vinny at As Vinny C’s It. I have mad blog love for Vinny. He has stick figure comic things from time to time and they crack me up. He writes great stuff over at Sprocket Ink as well. You should check it out. So, to get this award from him really made my day. Thanks Vinny. I’m happy to make you laugh, buddy.
The next one was from sweet Pencilgirl at Conquering the World, whose blog I need to catch up on because it seems she moved and I didn’t know, so her fabulousness was not showing up in my reader. That, or I’m just super dense. Probably the latter. I have received this one before, but who gives a shit, right? I’ll take awards of any kind all day long, Internets. Thank you Pencil, my darling! You are awesome.
Now, this next one? This one is going to be fun. You know why? Because it makes me a mutha-fuckin’ Overlord, bitches!!! Oh yeah! This sweet-ass sweetness comes to me from my somewhat new bloggy friend id at Sometimes I Like Taffy.
Now I put the smack down on everyone with some new laws that I would have if I was, in fact, your Supreme Leader….I mean……Overlord. So, here they are:
ONE – Severe and immediate beatings for door-knocking bible thumpers. Seriously, you assholes need to knock that shit off. It’s annoying and intrusive on so many levels. If I wanted to “find god”, there is an over abundance of churches in the land for me to do just that. I don’t care, nor do I make it my business, when it comes to someone else’s religious beliefs or lack thereof. So, I would appreciate it if you dickheads would do the same. I really don’t need you interrupting my peaceful existence to hear you say, “I’ve got some really good news to share with you about our lord and savior.” I mean, I don’t go knocking on your door with cocaine, strippers and drunk midgets asking YOU to join MY party, do I? So get lost. Really.
TWO – The “space program” is hereby cancelled. What the fuck are you trying to accomplish in outer space? Just stop it, NASA. Your funds have been rerouted to something, I don’t know……useful to the living beings on THIS fucking planet. Yeah, I’m taking your zomillion dollars and using it to pay any doctors that are willing, whatever salary they so desire to dedicate their time to finding a cure for cancer. And cold sores. Because the former is really fucking important and the latter is just plain annoying. I will, however, set aside funds for you to travel into space if the Direct TV satellite needs work. Because I need my Skin-o-max and Animal Planet. If you want to go collecting moon rocks or some useless shit like that, you can’t have any of my Cure Cancer money. You have to pay for your own fuel. Have a bake sale.
THREE – Marijuana……is now legal under my rule. I don’t even smoke pot, but come on, it’s 2011. How is this shit not legalized yet?
Whew! It’s a good thing these awards didn’t come with any rules, because I am exhausted. What? I swear. They didn’t have rules. Really. Would I lie?
Cheers! ~ SF