Tag Archives: Aunt Crazy

Best. Aunt. Ever.

When my niece was born my brother got custody of her because he’s amazing and we all knew he would be a great dad.  However, my brother worked all over the place building golf courses and shit.  So, it was a collective effort by the family to help him raise that little bundle of…what’s the word here…joy?  Yeah, bundle of joy.  (FYI Internets, babies are bundles of scream and shitty diapers.  That’s what they are bundles of)

I was going somewhere with this.  Oh, so sometimes when my brother was away on jobs in the mountains of Colorado I had that little baby in my possession to incompetently take care of because some jerk made a rule that people can’t take infants on heavy machinery with them.

My niece and I had this lovely conversation on The Facebook the other night.  This is why people should never leave their offspring in my charge.

The text below is copy/pasted from The Facebook.  I thought about correcting spelling and grammar because I love you, Internets, but then I remembered I was lazy.

~

Ashley’s Status: Hmmmmmmmmmmmm I love you!(: — with unnamed boy

Me: Ashley you are freaking me out with this love shit! Go back to being five will you? No! Five was horrible! Eight! Well that wasn’t great either but at least you could fetch the remote when it was out of my reach.

Ashley:  Ahaha come on auntie I have to grow up at some point!(: and I know how much you loved me when I was five! Thts prob why you have such a love for screaming babies to this day!(:

Me: Oh. Thanks for ruining my peaceful sleep tonight. Now I’m going to dream of screaming babies. They’ll probably all have your face.

Ashley: That’s mean!!!!

Me:  I know! But it’s just speculation at this point so that makes it ok. However, if I do in fact dream of screaming babies that all look like you that makes you the mean one for mentioning it in the first place. I’ll let you know tomorrow which one of us is the asshole.

Ashley: Omg I love ya crazy! Wish you could come to my last show:/ that would be the best b day present EVER! But your super busy with work and all:/ but I’m glad I get to see you at Christmas! Your the best auntie EVER!!!!!!(:

Me:  Wow. That is not how I expected this convo to go. You derailed me with a compliment. Well played, Ash. Well played.

Ashley:  Haha I know I’m good like that(: iv learned from the best havnt I?

Me:  This is totally going on my blog.

Ashley: Lol why?

Me:  Don’t worry about it. And stop asking questions. You did enough of that when you were 4 – whatever age you are now.

Ashley: IM ALMOST 16!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me:  Well you don’t have to yell! I was close. I thought you were 12!

Ashley: Omg auntie

Me:  You’ll appreciate a misjudgement in age like that when you’re older. Trust me on this. Actually, don’t trust me. Ever. I’m out of my mind. It’s most likely your fault.

Ashley How is it my fault! Unfortunately I probably get ALL my crazy ( and then some) from you! After all you did part take in raising me! ( my poor child hood!) (;

Me: Poor childhood? You actually are quite rich from being partly raised by me. There was a swear jar when you were younger. I filled it. As in you could probably go to Harvard because of my potty mouth. I’d say that you should ask you’re dad where your riches are but he probably had to spend it on meds to stay sane. And while we’re doing the blame thing, thanks for the wrinkles.And you’re welcome for the crazy.

Ashley: Lol yea where the hell did my swear jar money go!!! Good question for dad later…. ANYWAYS I only gave you the wrinkles cause you called me Ashley lucifer! Haha

Me:  Well I really thought that’s what your middle name was! What else could it be what with the way you behaved? And on that note, I’m away to bed because I’m elderly. Or because I’m tired of correcting my typing because I’m using my phone for this nut-job convention. It’s probably both. Love you, Asher!

Ashley:  Love ya too auntie! Haha

What the fuck is with the “haha” after the “Love ya too auntie”???

I don’t trust her.

I made this outfit for her. Now it seems a bit wrong that I fashioned her something to wear that made her look like she was on fire. Or it’s perfect. One or the other.

Cheers ~ SF


The Best Laid Plans. (and some other shit)

In my last post I said I was going to take the time to make some changes in regards to this blog and how and when I update it.  Well I accomplished the writing space thing.  It’s pretty fucking awesome you guys.  Then that very same day my laptop took a shit on me.  Really, Universe?  REALLY?

Da fuck?

I do have my tablet but there is no fucking way I’m attempting to edit photos and write the eloquent and insightful wonders that you come here for on that tiny thing.  Not fucking happening.  So Bruce’s friend who is a computer sorcerer looked at it and reported the problem back to me but I don’t speak computer so I just pretended I understood and told him to do whatever hard-driving he needed to do to get it working again.

So, in the meantime I thought I would share a funny conversation I had on The Facebook the other night.  I only have my fam on The Facebook so this thread did have some family stuff in it that I removed.  “D” is my cousin’s daughter whom I will always refer to as one of my nieces and “M” is my cousin.  Female.   But you fuckers are smart and probably would have figured that out.  Please note that D doesn’t call me Aunt Heather but Crazy.   I love that.  Usually it’s Aunt Crazy. WTF, D?

 

ME: What a beautiful day it was! The sun was shining and it was great to have all the doors and windows open. Did a few loads of laundry, went foraging for food stuffs and bought a really cute summer top that, quite frankly, makes my boobs look fantastic.

 

D: Jesus……….lmao…. you are too much

ME:  Well Jesus probably doesn’t approve of my admiration of my own boobs. But someone has to appreciate them besides Bruce and my neighbors with binoculars.

D:  lmao you are cracking me up…

D:  When are you coming out here again?

M:  Does that shirt help all boobs sizes look amazingly big???

D:  oh lord Aunt M…. now you want one too I take it

ME:  D – I’ll be out in December for the wedding! Get ready! M – I’m positive it would! I’d post a pick but now that my dad is all Facebookin’ it up with your moms I don’t want to freak the little guy out!

D:  Who’s getting married in December? No one tells me anything I usually have to find out through my parents lol.

ME:  M and M. Or did I dream that in a cocktail induced euphoria??? A dress has been purchased and an event was created so, yeah, I think it’s a real thing. Kerr-ist girl, I live like 7 states away and I know this! (it might not be 7 but I don’t have a map in front of me. Shut up.)

D:  comment edited  You are too much Crazy. But good I am glad, I hope to get to spend more time with you when you come down.

comment removed because it’s family shit Internets

comment removed because, well you know why

M:  comment edited How did we get from a beautiful day to boobs to wedding? lol I love my family ♥

ME:  I’m all boobs, family and weddings all the time. I roll hard like that.

M:  You so need to be here for J’s graduation!!!

D:  comment removed

D:  SHE does!!!! I agree

D:  Get out her CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

D:  comment removed

ME:  I SOOO need to be there for a lot of events but stupid work and life and miles and stuff fuck with my great intentions. Not to worry though, I’m going to make my millions soon knitting hats. Yes, I knit. And crochet. I’m also a 75-year-old prairie wife from the 1940’s.

M:  comment removed

D:  comment removed

ME:  comment edited  Mo, you should come for a West coast visit with them… *wink wink winkety wink*

M:  I would love that!! I will start to play the lottery in hopes I can win big. Or maybe I’ll gamble a little this weekend before P’s graduation……You never know!

D:  I love you ladies!!

ME:  Hey, when did we stop talking about my boobs?

M:  Your boobs are fabulous!

D:  Yes they are just so WONDERFUL AND PERKY AND I am NOW leaving this conversation ‘cause its just weird…………….. lol …………. Just joking

ME:  My boobs apologize. I think. They only speak Amazing and I only speak Awesome. You’d think we would all get together on our communications but really when you think about it it’s two against one. On that note of weirdness, I’m out.  Good night you guys.  I feel for the people who stumble upon this thread over their morning coffee. Or Kahlua. Whichever. I don’t judge.

M:  Peace out!!

ME:  I’m totally posting this thread on my blog tomorrow.

Cheers ~ SF