Holy crap! You’re old! Wait. Did I say old? I should have said awesome. Where are my manners? Let’s start over, shall we?
What were you thinking when you went for a third child??? You know that’s how you ended up with me, right?
How in the hell did I just make a birthday greeting to my mother all about me???
I’m still pissed off that you didn’t give birth to me on St. Patrick’s Day in 1975. I don’t believe your cockamamie [holy shit! cockamamie didn’t get auto corrected so it’s totally a word] story about the doctor saying he wasn’t in that day or whatever it is that you told me.
Oh. My. Head. I just made the intended birthday greeting to my mom about MY birth. I am such an asshole.
It’s your birthday! Congratulations! You’re not even using a walker OR using hearing aids yet! You go, girl!
I should just stop now.
It’s your special day! Celebrate yourself and the fact that you have lived to be 70! Get crazy on some grey-covering hair color, bingo and yard sales!!! This day is all about you, pretty lady!
Holy shit I am bad at math. My mom is totally not 70 today. I think she’s like 43. That can’t be right. Maybe she’s 50? 32???
Did you read all that crazy up there? No? Of course not. You have old eyes.
Dear Alcoholics Anonymous,
Wine may be interfering with my ability to wish my super awesome mom a simple happy birthday. She’s pretty goddamn amazing even though she may have spanked me and my brother for burning a hole in the mattress with a hair-dryer when we were kids. In my defense, Butch said the wires from the dryer would go in to the blankets and we would have a heating blanket. The white plastic spoon with the wee melted spot on it from being left too close to a burner that mom used to spank us with hurt like a mother fucker but we totally deserved it. Well, Butch did because it was his idea.
I am also going to take this opportunity to forgive her for my slightly scorched ankle from the hot transmission in her Jeep when she lost her mind and drove me and my two brothers to Disneyland in that not-fit-for-long-distance-travel death machine. I forgive her because SHE TOOK US TO DISNEYLAND GODDAMMIT!!! And she
stole acquired some towels from the La Quinta Inn that night and wet them down so whomever was sitting in the front passenger seat could wrap the wet towel around their ankle and walk away with only second degree burns and not first. Or is it third? I’m not sure how degrees of burns work. Either way she was such a thinker that day which is probably why I love and admire her so much.
Oh! And that time she took us Jeeping [I haven’t used that word in forever and it looks weird] at night in the adobes and in to a river where the Jeep got stuck and water started flowing through the passenger seats and I had to be tossed by some guy from the hood of the Jeep to someone on shore? Totally forgiven! [But totally NOT forgotten]
I should also mention how she would let me and my bro’s drive her red Subaru Station Wagon around the parking lot at our condo waaaaay before we even had driving permits. She didn’t even supervise us! Only a responsible parent does that because she knows she raised her children right and the best way to learn something is to just do it, right? Or she had some amazing insurance and was hoping we’d wreck the damn thing and she could take a settlement and upgrade to a Gremlin. I don’t know how old people think.
Holy shit. I have lost total control of this post. What the fuck was I trying to say?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!! I LOVE YOU!!!
Thanks for making sure my shoes matched. And for not letting that horse give me a concussion which resulted in me losing consciousness in a random field when I fell off and hit my head on the only rock in a 100 yard radius. Just kidding! I know it wasn’t THAT horse that did that.
Cheers ~ Heather Jean