I Seriously Could Not Think Of A Title For This Post

I was hoping this post would be a follow-up to my last post about Dr. McDoucheyfuck and his sexist note he sent with an employee to return to work.  And because you all know me for my hard-hitting, no-holds-barred, get the story at all costs journalism skills I did all I could do to find out what the doc’s response to my boss’s email inquiry about “women’s work” would be.  And when I say I did all I could do I mean I sat at my desk for the last two days eating Cheetos and looking at pictures of cats on the internet.  Nobody has said anything further on the matter so I’ll assume that he never responded.  Jerk.

Wanna talk about Christmas?  No?  Me either but we’re going to anyway. 

Bruce and I don’t really “do” Christmas.  Not because of any religious reasons, we just don’t really give a shit about it.  We do so much for ourselves and each other all year-long that we don’t feel the need to break the bank for a holiday that is marked with a questionable color scheme just because Wal-Mart says we should.  It just doesn’t mean anything to us.

I do, however, send cards to my family and his.  It’s just a nice thing to do and a way to say, “Hey.  I’m thinking about you. Merry Fucking Christmas!”  I don’t just send the card signed all generic either.  Nope, I like to put a little note in there saying how things are going and such.  OK, so I’ve only done that once and it was last year.  The point is, that I’d like to do it again this year.  The cards are all bought and let me just tell you they’re fucking awesome.   (There’s a Santa on a toilet!  Tee-hee.)  But that’s all I’m going to say because my family reads this nonsense that I write here.  I know.  I’m sure I’m making my mother proud.  Anyway, the problem I’m having is writing the note for the card considering the recent string of shittiness my family has endured and are still reeling from.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Dear 2011:  Go fuck yourself. ~ Love,  Me

But that’s not very Christmasy is it?  Let’s try again:

Well, 2011 was not an easy one, was it?  I know this Christmas season is going to be difficult for all of us considering the loss of Shaun.  I remember this feeling from last Christmas; our first after losing Bob…

What the fuck??  Was I thinking of mentioning death, not once, but twice in a Christmas card?  Backspace! Backspace!

I want to write something that’s cheerful and lighthearted with a bit of funny in it because I love my family and I want to cheer everyone up.  But how do I do that without sounding like I’m all tra-la-la-la-la-happy and not still sad?  Because I am still sad.  But I don’t want to send something that will make the recipient have a mother-fucking breakdown because it’s a recap of all of the things that have blown goats nuts this year. 


I need to go find a writer. 

Cheers ~ SF


About Noodles and Gin

I'm like a superhero, but with no powers or motivation. View all posts by Noodles and Gin

29 responses to “I Seriously Could Not Think Of A Title For This Post

  • maresi

    meh, just put a picture of an LOLZCAT on there and you’re good. 🙂 If you want one from me, speak now and DM me your address, chica!! Only 3 remain unclaimed. Hero got dibs on one earlier.

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      What?? What LOLZCAT giveaway? How have I missed this? I’m traveling back in time right now to claim one even though I’m not sure what I’m getting myself into. But I heart you Maresi, so it’s risk I’m willing take.

  • Bouncin Barb

    Bruce and I don’t do Christmas either! I had to read that line twice to make sure I wasn’t looking at something I wrote..haha. It’s over commercialized. I give my grandkids gifts and that’s it. Maybe if money wasn’t an issue it would be different but I’m a giver so it makes it depressing! Love this post. Totally understand how you don’t want to sound all happy and bright! Bah humbug!

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      The commercialization part is what makes us so distant from the holiday. That, and we don’t have kids. (I’d like to think it should be more about the kids) Also, my family is fucking HUGE!!!! I never knew how far out on the branches of my family tree I was required to buy gifts for without being the dickhead of the family.

  • Pickleope

    Adding “goat’s nuts” to the letter is a good start. The start of the second letter was a good start considering the circumstances. You can’t NOT mention it, right? You’re on the right track…just whenever you feel it’s too heavy handed, sprinkle in goat’s nuts.

  • MonsteRawr

    Our Christmas cards this year said, “Merry Everything.” It seemed appropriate. Though I liked your first one, honestly.

  • MonsteRawr

    Oh, I totally forgot, you should go with one of these:


    I like #9 for you.

  • Natasha

    I would just go with “What a fucking year, right?” And then tell them anything else you want to share, like good things that happened before it all went to shit. Hugs to you, girl!

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      That’s what I would love to do! But, it’s funny how the shitness upstages the happy and makes it difficult to remember the good things. I KNOW there was happy this year, but something like losing Shaun somehow puts those memories to the side; hidden. Grief is such a fucking bastard. I’m just going to lay my head down tonight and hope PK takes care of the whole card-note thing. Wish me luck. I gotta get these cards out! You may or may not be on the list. You’re welcome. 😉

  • Tlac

    I would go with option #3
    2011 go fuck yourself!!!
    2012…. You better get your ass in gear and give us what we want!!!! ….
    Merry Christmas

  • abeerfortheshower

    You actually give out Christmas cards? I’ve never done that. In fact, when I get those Christmas cards that have a cheesy picture the whole family took of themselves (where everyone is smiling that fake, awful smile and wearing identically hideous Christmas sweaters), that says in the most terrible, cheesy font, “MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE SMITH FAMILY, 2011!” I just laugh. And a small piece of me dies inside. Especially if dogs are inserted in place of the children they’ll never have and said dogs are wearing Santa costumes or reindeer antlers.

    As you can tell, I’m not much for Christmas either. So I’m pretty much useless to you.

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      OK, come on. Have some faith in me. I would NEVER send out a card like that. It has to be funny, not sappy. Bruce and I once took a holiday photo at Target. We went through the isles and picked out some Christmasy shit, went to the tree displays, had a Target employee take our picture, then went and put everything back and left. She said it was the most awesome thing she’s ever done at work. I believed her.

  • Colombian Princess

    I love receiving Christmas Cards. I find them a heck of a lot more personal and warm than an e-card.

    …..and now I’m craving Cheetos!!

  • Katy Anders

    2011 pretty much sucked.

    On the upside, 2012 might be the end.

    At least if those ancient Mayans don’t turn out to be dirty liars like the Christians were back in 2000….

  • OMS

    Yeah, we don’t really do xmas either. Oh, and if that guy wants to do “woman’s work”, I suggest he have a baby and then see if he comes back for more.

  • fetchmyflyingmonkeys

    Merry Christmas to you and Bruce even if you don’t do it…wait …what?

  • Her IdealisticnessP

    I totally stumbled on you by LOOKING for that lolcat pic. And the fates and planets aligned because instant love is instant. So… Hi 🙂

  • the bitchy truth

    lol “Dear 2011, Go fuck yourself” made me LOL!

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