Metro Handjob

I’m a bus rider.  I take the glamorous King County Metro number 358 to the city five days a week.  I do this because a.) Parking garages are structures of the devil, 2.) Rush hour traffic. (Do I really need to elaborate on this?) Plus, my company pays for my transportation if I take the bus and I never have to pay for gas or parking or industrial sized bottles of Xanax to quell the anxiety caused by driving in rush hour traffic. 

I’ve written about some of the crazy shit I’ve witnessed on the bus before.  Remember the cunty racist and the heroin princess?  Good times.

So although I see a lot of strange shit on the bus, nothing really actually happens to me on the bus.   Well, Internets, that shit changed a few days ago.

I hopped up the front steps of the bus on Pike St and sat myself down in the very first seat behind the driver and to the left of an average lookin’, middle-aged fella.  Several minutes go by and suddenly his head snaps to the left as if he’s just noticed me sitting there and he says, “Hi.  How are you?”

“I’m fine thank you.  How are you?” I replied rather generically.

Oh Internets, how I wish I had left off the ‘how are you’ part.

“Nasty.” was his response.

“What the fuck ever, dude.”, I thought to myself.  Nasty mood, I assumed.   Oh no, no, no, no my friends.  This guy was feeling nasty in a different kind of way.

Now this next part happened rather quickly and amazingly lacked any violence on my part.  For reals.  I can’t believe I didn’t smack the ever-loving shit out of this guy.  But violence on metro transit lands you in the pokey straight away and the last time I went to jail I think the bartender had called in sick because 5 o’clock came and went and not one cocktail was served, so I didn’t want to end up there again.

“You could help.”, he says.

My spine stiffened and I jerked my head to the right and in a most annoyed way said, “Excuse me?”

“You could help.” , he said again and glanced at his gross old man crotch. 

Yes, I know I said he was an average looking middle-aged guy before but I’ve got creative rule here and now I say he had a gross old man crotch.

For a few dollars, you could help.”  he told me.

Now, I could always use a few extra dollars so I thought about this proposition for a minute.  No I didn’t.

“Don’t fucking talk to me you sick fuck!” I yelled at him.   Every head on that bus that wasn’t wearing headphones snapped up to see what was going on.  I’m certain that the fury and disgust showed on my face.  And in their heads they were probably chanting like children on a playground instigating a brawl; “Fight. Fight. Fight. Fight.”   Or maybe not.

I have no idea what made that dickhead think I was the type of woman who would be interested in his skeevy proposition.  I mean,  I was wearing a fucking business suit and I can assure you it was not advertising that kind of business.  It wasn’t even made out of latex or anything.  All I knew was that the only person getting off on that bus, was me; at the next stop. 

Fucking perverts.

I seem to be having trouble with my link thinger soooo…..

Cunty Racist is here: http://sugar-free-thoughts.com/2011/03/16/sometimes-the-beatings-just-arent-severe-enough/

Heroin Princess is here: http://sugar-free-thoughts.com/2011/01/12/it-happened/

Advertisements

About Noodles and Gin

I'm like a superhero, but with no powers or motivation. View all posts by Noodles and Gin

31 responses to “Metro Handjob

  • Kinky (@MyOwnKinky)

    Ahahahaha, luckily I live in Snohomish county, so even though I bus into Seattle four days a week I’m usually on Community Transit or Sound Transit. But yeah, I’ve taken that bus before.. I used to live in Kent and had to take King County Metro everyday. Full of Skeeves.

    Though Sound Transit isn’t too much better, on the 550 some fucknugget grabbed my ass. At least he was wearing a suit.

  • MonsteRawr

    Holy fuck monkeys! He could have at least offered you a $20!

    All joking aside, you did exactly right by yelling loudly for him to get away from you. Often times pervs like that are banking on you being too scared or startled to say anything, so the best thing you can do is make a fuss.

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      I know! A “couple of dollars”??? I’m worth way more than that.

      And I am not one to let that behavior go unnoticed by others; hence the yelling at him. What I really should have yelled is, “HEY EVERONE!! THERE’S A NASTY ASS PERVERT SOLICITING HANDJOBS UP HERE!!!!”, and stood up and pointed at his pervy head. *sigh*….hindsight.

      • stepherc

        I know… I always think of the BEST thing to say about three days later. But good for you for saying what you did. I probably would have gone all terrified-victim-y and not said a word.

        Skeevy bastard.

  • Maxwell (@MisanthropyBlog)

    Yeah… so me, a nice normal misanthropic person who keeps to himself, rode the bus when I lived in a big city. There were periods of time (during the fucking awful winters) where I had this big bushy beard and looked homeless. One time, the entire bus filled and there were half a dozen people standing before someone finally sat next to me.

    And I had showered that morning.

    So good luck with your crapshoot on the bus.

  • KatyDid Knot

    Ha.
    It’s good you yelled at him.
    The idea is to embarrass them so badly that the memory of it comes to mind next time they start thinking about maybe doing that again.
    You have to scar them for life.
    Seriously…
    Ha.

  • Not the Hero

    Hey, he could have just been asking for a neck massage.

    Yes I do live in Canada, why aren’t you allowed in Canada. We let just about everyone in.

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      Well if when you say neck you mean penis, then yes. I suppose he could have been asking for that.

      Canada won’t let me in for the same reason they kicked my husband out when he was there on a business trip. An alcohol offense on my record. WTF Canada? I thought you loved the booze?

      I’m going to try and get an enhanced driver’s license and just try to sneak in one of these days. I mean, I live in Seattle for shit’s sake!! It’s right there!!! Let me in!!!

  • Laura

    Ewwww.

    (So how much money did you make?) Hehe

  • rafa

    great, now they’re gonna outlaw handjobs on the bus ‘coz of THIS asshole!

  • id

    oh, he’s definitely going to use this whole scene as masturbation material for at least a week…

    as an aside, i’ve been thinking your profile picture was cleavage in a low cut red dress this whole time, finally tonight i saw i was way off. sorta like one of those ‘is it a rabbit or a duck’ visual puzzle things. the picture looks good either way!

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      Great. Now I have a visual of him jerkin’ it to a visual of me. Thanks!!!

      That’s funny that you thought my super close-up and horribly cropped picture of my face was boobs. Boob-face. Sweet!

  • Kat

    I applaud your self restraint because I would have been hard pressed to give him a handjob. The kind where my hand balls into a fist and does a job on their face.

    Fucking pervert.

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      I applaud me as well. But you did read what I said about going to jail again, right? It was SO not worth it!!! I also like your take on a hand job!! It’s tits!!

  • Elle

    He sounds sweet… I can’t believe you yelled at him. Tisk tisk…

    ……. humm… or not.

    I’ve heard more stories this week about redicuous weirdos! Concerning. Very concerning.

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      I just read a story about how they want to make female-only cars on the trains in China or Korea or Japan or somewhere because chicks are sick of having to watch guys jerk it on their commute. I think they’re on to something!!

  • Dawn

    You know, I drive 1 hr a day in rush hour traffic, pay $70 a mth for parking, and I don’t even want to fucking know how much in gas, so I have always wanted to take the bus.
    Until now.
    Your blog llooks beautiful dearie!
    Also? You’ve got me saying ‘thinger’ ever since the last time you said ‘thinger’.

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      Oh Dawn! But it’s so entertaining!! I should just hire a chaufer and be done with it.

      Thanks for the compliment! It’s still kind of a work in progress.

      Thinger is the best word, like evah!!

  • Dawn@LightenUp!

    Oh and PS: I fixed your link on my blog. I’m a dumbass. lol

  • Sunshine

    Yesterday I happened to ask a customer “How are you?” (Which I try to refrain from, because in my opinion, no one really gives a shit how you are, and it’s just lame… but i digress) and she said “Oh, horrible. I got a ticket. I’m having a terrible morning, and I’m sick.”

    I wanted to tell her “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO JUST ANSWER WITH ‘I’m good, how are you?’ DIDN’T YOU GET THE MEMO?!?” asshole.

  • Heather aka Sugar Free

    Exactly. Generic question should be responded to with generic answer!!! (I got the memo)

  • DWei

    I’m considerably luckier than you. Usually people leave me alone on buses and if they don’t the conversation isn’t as bad as the ones you’ve had.

    • Heather aka Sugar Free

      I’ve been riding that bus for over a year and this is by far the strangest, most creepy thing that has ever happened. I just hope it’s an isolated incident!!

  • abeerfortheshower

    Hey woman with a business suit, I’ve got $3. Can I get a hand job? No? Man, women are SO misleading…

Go Ahead......Leave A Comment.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: