"I’m surrounded by assholes!" – Lord Helmet

So I’m one of those people that has a routine, a rhythm to my days if you will.  There is a reason why I get out of bed two hours before I need to leave the house, and it’s not because it takes me that long to get ready.  I just need that time to wake up….slowly.  I like to sip my coffee while watching the news.  I like to let my hair towel dry for a bit and have a leisurely smoke while looking out at the morning by my kitchen window, saying hello to my animals.  The thought of bounding out of bed, yanking my clothes on, gulping down a cup of coffee and applying makeup on the fly makes me cringe.  What kind of sadists like to start their day like that?  I also take public transportation.  I do this for a number of reasons; rush hour traffic sucks ass and parking downtown is expensive.  I like the bus because 1.) It’s cheap to begin with and my work subsidizes the cost, 2.) It’s a pretty stress free way to get to work.  I just put on my headphones and open my book and before I know it I’m at my stop. (I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I put on my headphones and don’t even turn my iPod on – I just don’t want people to talk to me) As part of my routine I take a bus that leaves my house an hour before I actually need to be at work.  It’s only a 25 minute ride, but again, I have my rhythm.  (I swear I’m going somewhere with this)  I hop off the bus, walk one block up and go to my favorite coffee shop for my medium -yes, medium not grande- nonfat vanilla latte with one Splenda.  They know my name there and my 8th drink is always free.  It’s a happy place.  After I receive my magical caffeinated beverage I cross Pike Street and continue on for two more blocks.  I have my favorite spot that I stop at and sip on my coffee, have a last smoke before I head in to the office and I people watch or chat with my mother. Then I have another 2 1/2 blocks before I’m in the building and my work day officially starts.  Doesn’t the start of my day sound fabulously relaxing??  Well it’s not!  Not always!  Ya know what throws a monkey wrench in my perfectly planned out leisurely stride to work???  Assholes, that’s who!  I’m surrounded by them on the bus, the sidewalks and streets of the city.  The guy on the bus who picks his nose for 15 blocks….yeah he’s a real gem.  I can’t hear you because of my headphones but I can see you ya douche.  Or the chick that I’m positive has just slammed a massive dose of heroin and keeps falling further and further forward.  I want to keep my nose in my book but if she falls face first to the floor of the bus I don’t want to miss it.  Junkies shouldn’t be allowed on the bus, just sayin’.  But the worst one is anyone who has to hold up an entire bus load of people at a stop to argue with the driver over the fare. Really?  Can’t seem to find your wallet…..again?  Didn’t know how much the fare was?  The same as it was yesterday ya fuckin’ tool.  And now my timing is off for my slow stroll up Pike Street.  Now I am Suzy-Goddamn-Power walker hoofin’ it like a madwoman to get her coffee.  Good.  Done.  Like that.  It’s cool, I still have time for that smoke…..I’ll just have to really puff like hell.  That’s relaxing right?  What’s this now?  Four assholes walking side by side blocking the whole sidewalk?  Of course.  And they’re walking slower than my 96 year old grandma.  Why wouldn’t they be? They obviously don’t want me to have that smoke.  They all need to be donkey punched in the back of the head.  Immediately.  How else do I get around them?  There’s still time for that smoke….there’s still time.  Que the group of flip flop wearin’ tourists, the cab that tries to run me over, Johnny Earbud rockin’ out while looking down and texting; not watching where he’s going, veering into oncoming pedestrians……. and I’m hosed. Bastards.  All of them.  So that’s not how it goes every day, but some days, some days I swear the Universe is out to get me.  I need a smoke……


About Noodles and Gin

I'm like a superhero, but with no powers or motivation. View all posts by Noodles and Gin

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